Coca-Cola® was invented in 1932. Coca-Cola® was originally made of cocaine. Today, Coca-Cola® is made of a highly acidic black liquid laced with gaseous carbon. Why, then, do people continue to drink Coca-Cola®? Well, people who drink Coca-Cola® tend to have fewer accidents, if you know what we mean. And so do people who mind their own fucking business.

Coca-Cola® doesn't play games. In 1986, a spokesperson for a Coca-Cola® competitor implied through dance and song that the primary product of the corporation the individual was in the employ of was likely to be chosen by a new generation of consumers. The spokesperson's head caught fire shortly thereafter.

In 1987, a Coca-Cola® competitor challenged the Coca-Cola® Corporation's official position that "Coke® is it©", alleging that Coke® was not, in fact, it©, but merely one of several different things. The competitor's corporation and all signs and memories of its existence disappeared from our dimension.

In a landmark case in early 1995, Coca-Cola® Corporation faced the Supreme Court, which questioned the legal validity of the "Always© Coca-Cola®" regulation which has appeared on radio, television and on all cans of Coca-Cola® produced since the mid-90s. After several members of the Supreme Court wound up dead, the Court ruled that the "Always©" notification was indeed legally binding and that all who did not obey could legally be killed.

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