Kids Say The Darnedest Things!

Kids Say the Darnedest Things!
by Milky

Kids really do speak stupidly. Often, children seem to be speaking an entirely different language from real humans. But perhaps the best way to mock the nonsensical babblings of these ridiculous creatures is to attempt to explain the thought processes behind their most popular sayings.

"Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat": The child threatens to play a cruel prank upon the subject unless paid off with a treat. The child then compounds this extortionate behaviour by ordering the subject to sniff its odorous feet and give it quality foodstuffs. In some cases, the child will insist that the nourishment bestowed be not too big, not too small, but equal in size to the metropolitan area of Montreal (2,815 square kilometers/1,087 square miles).

"Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye": So sincerely does the child swear to keep its promise that it would draw an imaginary X across its heart, wish for its own demise, and even engage in ocular self-mutilation in order to prove its trustworthiness.

"Liar, liar, pants on fire, hang your clothes on a telephone wire": The child finds the subject's claim so dubious that the subject's leggings appear to have spontaneously combusted; therefore the flaming-panted subject should scale a telephone pole, disrobe and hang the offending garments from the wires.

"Pretty please with a cherry on top": The child is offering not just a regular please, but an especially attractive one. To make the request even harder to refuse, the child has been so generous as to somehow place a small piece of fruit atop the manner in question.

"Missed me, missed me, now ya gotta kiss me": Because of the fact that a projectile failed to make contact with the child's body, the individual who attempted to wound the child is now required to give it a kiss instead, as a punishment.

"Stamped it ... No erasies!": In saying "stamped it" the child proclaims that the rule it has just proclaimed is now inviolable; by declaring "no erasies" it decrees that no others may ever alter or strike down the law. I shudder to imagine a world where Parliament determined laws on the basis of whether or not the opposition called "erasies!" fast enough.

"I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream": In order to obtain iced cream, the child wails, the subject wails, and indeed all people wail. Why exactly a mass of shrieking people might be particularly deserving of iced cream is not discussed. Note also the poorly composed tediousness of child-ese; any sane adult would simply state "everyone screams out of desire for iced cream" and get on with his or her life.

"Uh-oh, spaghetti-o": For some unfathomable reason, some children choose to express despair by wailing about a small tomato-sauce-coated pasta ringlet. Note that children are likely to utter this ludicrous phrase whether the problem involves a tiny circle of pasta or not.

If you like anything here, or if you don't, please e-mail milky@yip.org. You could win a free In-Home Weasel Attack!