As I walked along Queen St., I happened to notice some dynamite in the corner of my eye. I worried a little, but thought nothing of it. I continued, not looking back, for I knew that I was being followed. A little Elf walked up to me wearing leather and said "Hey, Santas short of helpers this year, if you get my meaning." He then winked twice. I knew he meant business. I subtly implied I was interested, and did not resist as he tossed my limp body inside a seemingly empty alleyway.
He put me inside this costume, I didn't know what, for no mirrors were in my path, but people kept tossing me coins. I wondered if I looked like a leper, or an Ethopian. But no. As I travelled north, I passed a large clump of silver. Gazing into it, I stared in horror at my new appearance. I was a black man. A black Santa Claus. I had always dreamt of being Santa, and also of being black, but both at once, it was something new. I vaguely recall standing there and screaming for a few hours. Some people with sensitive ears picked me up and tossed me in their van. I sat still and watched with curiosity as a large German dog licked my black face and my white beard.
My face was apartide.
After about 15 minutes of driving, the Elves in the front of the van told me to get out. To my amazement, we were at Santas Village, not the one in Bracebridge, with all the crummy rides, but the one up North. The Pope came out of one of the many factories to greet me.
I rushed up to him and embraced him. "Oh Pope I'm so confused!" I wailed. He mumbled something in Polish and offered me a small orange lizard, which did not in any way ease my suffering. I ran inside a large black shack which was labelled "Bacteria". It was my first time among Bacteria, and wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We started to talk, but then I heard some scuffling outside. I ran outside, the loving bacteria still clinging to me gently, and stared with awe at the sight before me. The Pope, and the Grim Reeper were both hovering above me. "Take him now," the Pope ordered. The Grim Reeper, not being too bright, took the Bacteria building instead, and was having a lot of trouble lifting such a huge building, I offered to help, but the Grim Reeper, being the gentleman that he is, refused my aid. Instead, he threw dead raindeer at my head. Naturally, this perturbed me.
I took the natural route. I headed north. Further north. As north as one can possibly go. To Santa. After a few long hard days of travelling, I arrived at the REAL Santas village, not the one in Bracebridge, not the one with the factories, just the one with old wooden buildings, real green Elves, and real Santa. I casually knocked upon his office door and walked in... when suddenly the dynamite in the corner of my eye exploded and I died.