Introduction
The reason I'm writing this book is to make a quick buck off a bunch of stupid idiots like yourself who would buy books with titles such as "Windows for Dummies" by the billions. What can I say. Ha ha. Sucker.
Part I: Disk Drives
OK, this ought to be simple (though I doubt it). Put the disk carefully in the drive. No! Not that way, stupid. The little metal thing goes first. God, you're dumb. I can't believe you...
Part II: Directories
HEY! GET THAT MOUSE OFF THE SCREEN. Put it down. I'll tell you when to use the mouse. No. Put it away.
The trick with the "dir" command is to type "dir". This is done by hitting the d, i and r keys. NOT AT THE SAME TIME, IDIOT. Now, first (that means, you do it before everything else) look for the d key. It's the one with a line and a circle. NOT P. Come on, think. Now, press d. To press, put your finger (that thing on your hand (that thing on your arm (that thing on your shoulder))) on the key. Now, press.
Part III: Pressing "I"
Remember where you bought your computer? Call a technician.
Part IV: Pressing "R"
This is the easy part. Repeat the process you went through in section II, about pressing the 'd' key. You remember, don't you? NO, DON'T PRESS 'D' AGAIN. Oh dear.
Part V: Pressing Backspace
It's there. No, right there. See it? Right there. No, over. To the right. Further. THERE! Stab that fucker!
Part VI: A Reminder
If you haven't done so already, breathe in. This is done by first emptying your lungs of used air, and then taking in some new stuff. It's probably way too complicated for someone like you, but try.
Part VII: Carriage Return
OK, you should have the word "DIR" on your screen. If you're lucky. Now it's time to press the carriage return. It's that button on your keyboard with the bendy arrow, or that says "Enter" or "Carriage Return". Press it. Don't panic! It's supposed to do that.
Part VIII: Interpretting the output
Okay, don't worry about the title of this section. Imagine it says 'take a walk on a sunny beach.' NO, COME BACK! Okay. Okay. Hold on a sec... Alright. When you pressed the carriage return (refer to section VII), a lot of pretty letters probably appeared on your screen. That's okay! It's supposed to do that! You're half way there.
Special "For Complete Morons" Hint
Oh, you're hopeless. Give up. Relax and watch the cursor blink. It's rather hypnotic, if you stare at it long enough. Buy more computer books. Buy more computer books. Especially the "...for morons" series.
Part IX: The Rcrfilsb Command
At the prompt, access the appropriate memory allocation and now input the i/o type you prefer (in hex of course), input options (includes a/h hat launkiness). AND VOILA!
Part X: The Xylysph Command
At the prompt, type "xylysph". What? File not found? Uh-oh, you're in trouble. Call our handy "For Morons" help line at 1-967-HOTT, and talk to Candi, our "technician." $10 per minute, 10 minute minimum (you do wanna get this thing fixed, don't you?).
NOTE: This command is crucial. If problems arise, HAVE NO QUALMS about calling our support line, no matter what the cost. It's worth, and hey, if you're extra special nice, we might not charge you.
Part XI: Formatting your hard drive
DON'T DO IT, STUPID!
Part XII: Running programs
Why bother trying? If you had the intelligence, you wouldn't have bought this book, would you? Fucking moron.
Part XIII: Star Trek
Watch it. All computer geeks do. Maybe you can fit in.
Part XIV: General abuse.
Dummy.
Part XV: Specific abuse.
YOU! Ya, you. Moron.
Part XVI: "What happened to DOS, you ask?"
I give up.
Part XVIII: "What about Part XVII"?
I wasn't paying attention. Why should I?
Conclusion.
Fuck off and die. Asshole.