(There is a room. It is painted a bright shade of red. There is a window located in the very centre of the wall. It is a very dirty window and nothing can been seen through it. A chair sits in the middle of the stage. It is a wooden chair, made of wood.) (A man leads another man into the room. The first man is the superintendent, the second, a man who wishes to rent an apartment. They enter the apartment, almost by coincidence, that the first man wants to sell and the second wants to buy.)
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Excuse that dirt in the corner?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Oh, I see now, it's a small child.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: He has a womb on the end of his arm.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Oh.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Not don't take me wrong. He does live a normal life.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Really?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: He does find it uncomfortable to type though.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: That is really too bad.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Doesn't matter too much.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No. Not really. I couldn't care less
personally.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Green is the room.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Oh, is it? It looks kind of blue.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: What? Green you say?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Sing it!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: What? Sing what?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Green is the room.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Why?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Sing it!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (sings) Green is the room.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No! Sing it with feeling.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (sings) Green is the room.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Again!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (sings) Green is the room.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: And again! Again!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (sings) Green is the room. Green is
the room.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: (pause) Don't pause! Again! Sing!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (sings) Green is the room. Green is
the room. Green is the room. Green is the room.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Sing! Sing! Keep on singing!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (sings) Green is the room. Green is
the room. Green is the room. Green is the room. Green is the room. Green is
the room. Green is the room. Green is the room.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Now stop.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (sings) Green is the room.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Stop! (pause) No. Just stop singing! That is all! Stop
singing.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I have.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Oh.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Now how much?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: For the room?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. How much?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Are you going to pay? Each and every month?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No of course not. Don't be silly.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Then you can't have it!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I will pretend to though. You really
won't be able to tell that I am not paying you a penny.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Oh. Well that's different then isn't it?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No. Not really. It doesn't explain
why that child is there.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: You mean that piece of dirt?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No the child!
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Well they are the same thing really. It all depends on
which way you look at it.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Which way is best?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Perhaps by the window, so the sun can shine through onto
your face. It looks rather pale. You don't get out often, do you?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Well not really. (Looks out the
window) What a terrific view.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Well once we get the windows cleaned then you will see
more. There is a truck parked down the street.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I think I can see it now.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No. That just looks like one. Have you tried getting
glasses?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. They don't fit though. Too hard
to keep on.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Well here. Try this. (he hands him a small puppet)
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I will later of course. It's rather
embarrassing with you around.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: I won't look.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Promise.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No. Not at all. But I will promise. What is a promise
these days?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: What? Since the war? I don't really
know.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Lost a leg in the war.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: What, you? You look fine.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No not me. Someone though. Bound to be someone.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. I see now. You don't look very
healthy either. I was just saying that.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Oh of course. I've been away for several days.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Ahh... It can all be explained can't
it. I mean if you sit down and think it all out. You can always match one
thing with another and sooner or later you will have the entire puzzle put
together and everything will become clear. That great mass of chaos isn't so
chaotic after all. It just has to be seen the right way. Its rather simple
when you think of it.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No not at all. You are completely wrong. I have never
heard such trash before in my life!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I was only speaking hypothetically.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Oh. Then yes. I agree. Except maybe about that chaos.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Well if it wasn't so chaotic, then it just simply wouldn't
do. Let's just sit and think about this for a second.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Alright. (A pause. They do not move)
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Well? You first.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No. Please, I insist. After you.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Alright. Lets just say, for the sake of saying it...
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (Interrupting) No other reason?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No not really. Perhaps, but I really don't think so.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Alright then. I will. It'll be hard,
but I will.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Thank you.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (A pause) Ok. Finished. Do go on.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Thank you. So there we have a field.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Where?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: By the pond.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Water? Alright. Sounds right.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No. I see nwo. Not at all.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: And this field is just filled with garbage.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Why?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Let me continue please. I must not be interrupted!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Sorry. Please go on.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Thank you.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (a pause) Well?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: I knew you would interrupt! That's why I waited. Now
don't do that again!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Sorry.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: There you go again!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No. You must have been mistaken.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Oh?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. Totally!
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Then I must apologize. I am sorry.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No need. No need.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Oh. Then I'm not.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Do go on.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: The reason I say garbage is because this garbage is
supposed to represent chaos.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: 'Supposed to'? Doesn't it?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Oh. Well that makes more sense then.
I am glad you cleared that up.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: And now we shall put an object into the garbage.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Any object?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No. Something that does not belong there.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Like what?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Doesn't matter. An old can.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Three women at the corner store.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Cow.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: A small piece of wood that I had
killed your mother with.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: What?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Nothing.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: I thought you said...
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (Interrupting) You must be mistaken.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Oh. Or you?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Well yes. But we shall say it was
you.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Oh. Alright. Do go on.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Was it you? Explaining it, I mean.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: I do believe so.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Well it doesn't really matter. Was I
explaining something that you didn't know?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Good. Then you may continue. I must
learn.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: This! (holds up a small puppet)
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Is he not your friend?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Yes.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: But he could die.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Yes. I am sorry.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Does that matter though?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No. Not really.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Then we will use it! Bring it forth!
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Here. Please accept it. (hands him puppet)
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: You are welcome.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Now come.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Where?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: The field!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Really?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Oh.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: But come! Ho! (they run off) (They come back on)
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: You see. No matter what you say it
is possible!
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Possible yes. It's just not believable.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: You're wrong there! There are so many
places where they could hide.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: They can't hide anywhere I can see the whole room!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: That's where you are wrong. Can you
see behind that wall? Under the floor? Above the ceiling?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: That doesn't prove anything!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: If you can't find bugs, then don't
expect to find ghosts! But if there are bugs, you can bet there are ghosts!
THE SUPERINTENDENT: There aren't any bugs here! This entire apartment building
is bug free!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: You say that just because you can't
find any, but they are there. In fact, that is proof that there are some, and
that means there are ghosts here too!
THE SUPERINTENDENT: I will tear up the floor, rip down the walls, and open the
ceiling as if it were a can of soup! And if that won't convince you, I'll cut
every bit of this place into small cubes and mail them off!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: There's the spirit! But that won't
work! If it did, then everyone would do it. Who wants bugs? You know what
they say about bugs. If you got a bug, you've got a ghost. One could be
behind that chair.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Well catch it! If we get the ghost then the bugs will have
to leave. They won't have any choice!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Good idea. You go around one way and
I will go around the other. We will trap either the ghost or the bug between
us. There will be no where to go! And once we got the bug...
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Or the ghost...
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. But they are the same thing.
But once we have it then...
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Wait! A ghost? A bug? The same thing?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Why yes. What do you think? No one
wants a ghost, because they are bugs. Insects!
THE SUPERINTENDENT: I thought there were other reasons, like haunting and just
being scary.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No no! You have it all wrong. Ever
seen a termite?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Coakroach?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Dragon fly?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Sorry. I haven't. Is there something wrong with that?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Well yes.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Sorry.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Now my examples will all be pointless.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Here. (holds out a small puppet) Take this. He will love
you.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No no. There is no need. I will be
fine. (falls to the floor)
THE SUPERINTENDENT: (drops the puppet) Oh no. Stand up! Stand up. You must!
Oh you must!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (sitting up) Oh? And why? The floor
is smooth. It is getting late, maybe you should leave.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: But I still want to know! You must explain, or I will
never leave.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: You mean you will stay here till you
die?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: And much longer if I have to!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Then please, have a cookie. (Brings
a cookie out of his pocket and offers it to the Superintendent, who takes it
and begins to nibble on it) I'm sorry if it doesn't taste so good.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No no! It tastes just fine.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I made it myself.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Oh?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes, several years ago. I had to go
out, to visit a friend. Was going to give it to her for a surprise. So I put
it in my pocket. This one. (points to pocket) Do you see? This was the
pocket. This same pocket. And went out the door. I was to meet her by the
park. Birds were flying in the sky and children were laughing. I was very
happy. And then, there she was. She was across the street. Waving at me.
The street was very busy and she was scared. I had to give her the cookie you
see, so I called to her and said it was alright. We were in love. Did I
mention that? Yes. True love. The purest of love. And so when I called for
her, she listened, she couldn't think straight. Her head was swimming you see.
Swimming in love. So she began to walk across the street and I cheered with
delight. A big truck came. It was blue I believe, though it could have been
gray. The man had a hat. That I know. The driver. I don't know his name,
but he had a hat. And he must not have seen her, or was in too much of a
hurry, so he kept on driving and ran right over her. It was so sad. I ran to
her and shouted, "you can't die! You can't die!" I knelt down by her side and
cried, for she was dead.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Oh that is sad.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. I had wasted all that day making
that cookie and I wouldn't even give it to her.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: So you saved the cookie. To remember her.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No. I saved the cookie because I
liked it. I had spent a lot of time making it.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: So why give it to me?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: It was going moldy.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Oh.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: But now nwo. You have been here long
enough. I must be boring you.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No no. Not at all, though I am a bit tired.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Would you like to rest. All this
excitement... Here. Lie down. The floor is so smooth. You will like it. I
will get up to give you more space. (The man gets up and the Superintendent
lies down)
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Oh. The floor is so smooth.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes it is. There. Doesn't that feel
better?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Yes.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I will turn out the light so you can
sleep. (a pause) There.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Yes?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I don't know where the switch is.
Can't you just pretend?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No no! It must be real. Do you expect me to imagine
everything?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Well I can't! My brain juts won't except it. Do you
understand?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Turn out the light. Let me sleep!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Hmm...
THE SUPERINTENDENT: I will be back. Do not run away. There Alright. I mut
go though. I will be back. Do not run away. There are wolves outside the
door and they can get very hungry in the winter.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes yes of course. I will sleep.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: (kneels down beside him) Do you remember the war? Do you?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: How could I forget? Lost a leg.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Yes. Someone did. Maybe two.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No. You must be mistaken. It was
only one. I knew him. He was an old man and he had a cane.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: He was very lucky. Lucky he had the cane. Any other man
would be lost. Unable to move... But if he had a cane, then its all right.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No no. He was dead.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Oh yes. I remember now. That was sad.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No. He was old. If the bomb did not
kill him then he would have died soon anyway.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: What did his family think?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Nothing.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Oh.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: They bought him a grave stone though.
A nice one. It was a large stone carved very delicately with this and that and
on it was some sort of writing.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: What did it say?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I don't know. It doesn't really
matter.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: No. Well thank you very much. I will visit you again.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. You must.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Good-bye.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Good-bye.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Well bye.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Bye.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: (Gets up to leave) I will be off.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Oh? Leaving so soon?
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Yes yes. I must.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Oh.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Well good bye.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (walks over to the door) Good bye.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: Bye bye.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (leaves, then sticks head back in)
Good bye.
THE SUPERINTENDENT: See you later. (lights go out)(There is a pause)(Two walk
out and are followed by a spot light as they dance about the stage)
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Who is there? Is there someone
there?
GHOST #1: No no. Go back to sleep.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: But that noise. There must be.
GHOST #2: It is just the wind.
GHOST #1: Your mind is playing tricks on you.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Then who is that?
GHOST #1: No one.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: There! That was someone! I heard
someone. I did!
GHOST #2: No you didn't. I didn't. I have been here all the time. There was
dnothing.
GHOST #1: Just the wind.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: There it was again. You must have
heard it that time!
GHOST #2: Heard what? I heard nothing.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Are you sure?
GHOST #1: Go back to sleep. The floor is very smooth.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Again! This time I know! I heard it!
I did! You surely can't believe that you can convince me that there was no
noise that time.
GHOST #2: Yes I can. There was no noise. Go back to sleep. You are very
tired.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: The floor IS very smooth.
GHOST #2: Yes yes. Sleep.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I won't sleep. I'll just close my
eyes.
GHOST #2: No no. I will stay. I will listen. There is no need. Sleep. You
will enjoy. Dream. Dream of when you were a child. Playing in a field. A
nice clean field of flowers.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. It was a sunny day.
GHOST #2: Not that sunny.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No. A couple of clouds, but it was
warm.
GHOST #2: You had to wear a sweater.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes yes. But I felt warm. I was so
young. So young and alive. I could sit and watch the squirrels and they
danced in the trees. They had big tails. And they sang. Sang songs about
love and spring. Oh it was so beautiful. I smiled.
GHOST #1: You were lost. You cried for your mother.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: What was that?
GHOST #2: Nothing. Perhaps it was a leaf.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: A leaf?
GHOST #2: A leaf landing on the roof.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Why?
GHOST #2: It died. It fell off the tree.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: But not in the field. Nothing died in
the field. It was spring and everything bloomed and sang out with joy.
GHOST #2: Go on.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I got a little ant. I found it on the
ground. I picked it up. It was so small. So frail. I could crush it.
GHOST #2: Enough of the ant. Tell me about the trees.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: The ant roamed about quite lost. It
was in my big hand. I was a little child, but to this ant I was strong and
powerful.
GHOST #1: Stop! Stop! No more. No more!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: What was that? That was no leaf.
GHOTS #2: The world is not so young. Maybe you should not talk about this
ant.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: And why not? I was a god. I was very
powerful. I looked at the ant and thought that it was ugly. So I grabbed one
leg between my fingers and...
GHOST #1: (Interrupting) PLEASE! Don't! Stop it. You must not!
GHOST #2: I must agree. This is disturbing.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: What? What? There is someone there!
Who is it? Why don't they want to hear about my ant?
GHOST #2: It is not very nice.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Wait. I think... I know! You're a
bug! You are a bug! Ahhh!
GHOST #1: We must run! We need to get away. He will stomp on us and pull off
our legs.
GHOST #2: No. Wait. He is more scared than us.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I am not. Why do I have to fear an
insect?
GHOST #2: Because.... Think now. Go on. You were doing so well.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Think? Why should I think? I should
kill you.
GHOST #1: Run! Run while you can.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No wait! I seem to recall.
GHOST #2: No wait. He is thinking. He may learn.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: If you're a bug then that means you
are also an... (Two stomps are heard, the lights come on. The Superintendent
is there)
THE SUPERINENDENT: It is alright now. They are dead.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: They were here. I could feel them.
THE SUPERINENDENT: It is alright. I have stepped on them.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I could feel their breath on the back
of my neck. They were going to kill me.
THE SUPERINENDENT: No no. They were just insects. But now they are dead.
Everything is alright now.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: What did they want?
THE SUPERINENDENT: I don't know. I have done the only thing though. They
knew I would kill them sooner or later.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Do you feel sad?
THE SUPERINENDENT: No no. Why?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I once was in a field. It was spring
and the sun was shiny and the birds were singing.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Was it so sunny?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Well not really. There were clouds
in the sky, but it was warm.
THE SUPERINENDENT: You had a sweater on.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes yes. I had a sweater but it was
warm. I felt warm and I was so young and alive. I could sing and dance and
cheer and run about. I was so young.
THE SUPERINENDENT: It sounds very beautiful.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Oh yes it was. And I found an ant
crawling along the sandy ground. I picked it up in my hands. I was only a
small child, but to this ant I was mighty and powerful. I was a god.
THE SUPERINENDENT: What was the ant doing?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Nothing. I didn't even know if he
noticed me or not. He just kept walking around in my hand, back and forward.
THE SUPERINENDENT: He sounds very stupid.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: He might have been. I did not know.
I grabbed his leg between my fingers.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Why?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I don't know.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Oh.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: And then I pulled.
THE SUPERINENDENT: What happened then?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: His leg came off.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Oh. And what did the ant do.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I don't really know.
THE SUPERINENDENT: You don't know.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I was too busy pulling off the other
legs.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Oh, well that I can see then. How many?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Don't know. I put them all in a jar.
THE SUPERINENDENT: The ants?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No, the legs.
THE SUPERINENDENT: And the ants.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I watched them for a while, but it
was rather boring.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Why?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Well all you see is an ant squirming
around helplessly. I had no choice but to kill them.
THE SUPERINENDENT: And then what?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: They died.
THE SUPERINENDENT: And what did you do?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Found another ant and ripped off his
legs.
THE SUPERINENDENT: But isn't that why you killed the first ant? Because you
found it boring?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: There was nothing else to do.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Here. Come to the window. I want to show you something.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Alright. (he gets up and they both
move to the window)
THE SUPERINENDENT: Do you see. What a beautiful view.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No. The window is dirty.
THE SUPERINENDENT: But we will clean it one day.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Will you?
THE SUPERINENDENT: No.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (looking) Oh, what a beautiful view.
I think I can see a truck.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Where?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Over there. By the wall.
THE SUPERINENDENT: I had a truck once.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: What happened to it.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Drove it over a cliff.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: It had good shocks then?
THE SUPERINENDENT: No.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Look there is a child.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Where?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: There. Can't you see? There. There
is a child.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Are you sure? I can't see. It could be a midget or some
dirt.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No no. It is a child. I can see him.
Look he is waving.
THE SUPERINENDENT: I can't see.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: You are too short.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Oh. Then tell me. Tell me what you see.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Are you blind?
THE SUPERINENDENT: Yes. You be my eyes.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: There is a road. It is long and there
doesn't seem to be an end...
THE SUPERINENDENT: (Interrupting) The child! Tell me of the child. He's our
only hope you know. We shall pass to him this corpse of a world. What will be
done? Can you answer me?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: The road is very black. It is a long
straight black line as if someone had scraped a marker across a clean white
sheet.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Tell me of the child! I must know! Have we doomed
ourselves and our children? We have made mistakes... Have they been so bad?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: There are no cars on the road. They
are all sleeping. They danced about earlier. I saw them. It was beautiful.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Why won't you answer! Tell me of the child!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Silence!
THE SUPERINENDENT: I will not!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: You must!
THE SUPERINENDENT: Why?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: You are a cripple. You cannot see.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Does that make me any less a man than you?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. (the man pushes him over. He
falls on the floor and begins to thrash about) Do you see now? Do you see?
THE SUPERINENDENT: Yes. (stops) Do you like the apartment?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: The floor is smooth.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Yes. Yes it is.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: And it has such a beautiful view.
THE SUPERINENDENT: It won't be free for long. Will you take it?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: It's getting late.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Yes but the sun is still out.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Behind the clouds.
THE SUPERINENDENT: No no. You are mistaken! There are no clouds!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Look for yourself.
THE SUPERINENDENT: That is dirt. I went out and smelled the flowers this
morning.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: So did I. I brought my son with me.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Is he small?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Very.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Could I pick him up with one hand?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. And you could squeeze.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Squeeze the life from him.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: He is still very small. Will not put
up much of a fight.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Good! Then take the room. I will bring candy up every day
and give it to all the children and you will have to name them all.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No no. That won't do. But I will eat
the candy.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Then you will take the room?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Well here. (Hands him a small puppet)
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: What is this for?
THE SUPERINENDENT: Just in case. (pause) You know. If you ever get in
trouble or anything.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Oh I see. Thank you. (holds it up.
Pause) It doesn't work.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Sure it does. Give it time.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Alright. (pause) Nothing.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Are you sure?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. Quite. (holds it up again,
pauses) See. Do you see. Nothing. It doesn't work. It must be broken.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Hmmm... I do have to admit that it is not working now.
Maybe something needs adjusting. I just can't believe it is broken, I had it
for so long. It is both dear to me and.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No need. You need not explain
yourself. I can understand.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Is it broken?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I'm sure something just needs to be
adjusted. Maybe I am not doing it right.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Are you?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. (pause) It is broken. Too bad.
THE SUPERINENDENT: No no. You are mistaken. (grabs small puppet off the man)
I will make it work. (pause) Quiet! I must have silence. Do you expect me
to do these fine calculations with this racket going on? You are quite
mistaken. I will have to move away and find myself a small little summer
cottage in the wilderness. There! And only there will I be able to find the
seclusion I need for this!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: What about the crickets?
THE SUPERINENDENT: You can forget about them too!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Then I will be silent.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Good. Now keep your word. I must have total and absolute
stillness! (Pause) There! I think it is fixed.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: We should test it. To see if it
works.
THE SUPERINENDENT: No no. No need. It is. It is.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Just to make sure...
THE SUPERINENDENT: (Interrupting) You don't trust me! You don't trust me!
Alright! Test it! Test it!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: How?
THE SUPERINENDENT: Here. (holds up little puppet) Ask it a question.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: How are you today? (pause) No
respones. It has not been fixed! I told you! I told you.
THE SUPERINENDENT: You are a fool. That was a silly question. Another.
Quickly! Another.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: It is a beautiful day out today,
don't you agree? (pause) Now what? Why does he not answer?
THE SUPERINENDENT: No no. Try it again.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: You must have done something wrong.
It most likely never can be fixed now. You have ruined it for good.
THE SUPERINENDENT: What? How dare you!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Give it to me!
THE SUPERINENDENT: No!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Give it!
THE SUPERINENDENT: No! Go away.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: This is not the first time. You have
ruined everything you have ever touched! You touched me once. Shook my hand,
and my life is ruined!
THE SUPERINENDENT: Listen! It works! You just ask silly questions! That's
all! No, not silly, down right stupid!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Alright! You ask it something! Go
ahead! Do you think it will answer you?
THE SUPERINENDENT: Yes! (turns to puppet) How are you today?
PUPPET: I am very fine. How are you?
THE SUPERINENDENT: You see! It works fine!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No it doesn't.
THE SUPERINENDENT: You saw it with your own eyes! How can you call it false?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I saw your lips move. You can't fool
me so easily.
THE SUPERINENDENT: My lips did nothing of the sort. They were on my face the
whole time. They didn't move at all. You may have seen the wind pass over
them or something, surly you don't believe I would lie to you!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: And why not? It's not the first!
THE SUPERINENDENT: Why are you tormenting me? Have I not fixed it? I have
done nothing but thoughtful, kind considerate things! I have never thought of
myself. I have only been thinking of what is good for you.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: For me? Ha! I don't know how you can
say that with a straight face! You have done nothing but selfish,
inconsiderate, evil deeds!
THE SUPERINENDENT: Evil? Evil? How dare you!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Don't strike me.
THE SUPERINENDENT: What? Are you scared?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. You?
THE SUPERINENDENT: What I feel has nothing to do with it. (looks at puppet)
You know the truth, don't you.
PUPPET: No. This is not my fight. Leave me out of it.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Damn you! (Throws puppet down)
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (picks up puppet) Oh look. You have
broken it.
THE SUPERINENDENT: I don't care. (sits down)
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (To puppet) Hello? Hello? Speak to
me! Speak to me!
THE SUPERINENDENT: I have nothing to say.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No! Not you. I am not speaking to
you. (To puppet) What is wrong. Don't cry.
THE SUPERINENDENT: (Gets up, grabs the puppet and puts it in his pocket)
Listen... We can't escape it. Do you want to know why? There are holes.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Holes?
THE SUPERINENDENT: Yes. Holes. Holes in everything! Every damn thing has a
hole! Look. Look and see. Holes... holes everywhere.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: In the centre? Like a donut?
THE SUPERINENDENT: No no. Not like that at all. The holes can be anywhere.
On the side, in the middle, upside down, it doesn't matter. It's all a hole
after all.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No no. That can't be. You must be
mistaken. We would be doomed.
THE SUPERINENDENT: We are doomed!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: What? When did you find this out?
THE SUPERINENDENT: Its been around us all the time! The signs are everywhere.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I hadn't noticed. It hasn't been on
television yet.
THE SUPERINENDENT: It is. Television is the sign! Look can't you?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I'll try, but the window is awfully
dirty. (goes to window) I see a small child. His arms are waving.
THE SUPERINENDENT: No no. That must be a mistake. There are no longer
children. When we die, there will be none to take our place. And then the
last man will cry.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Cry? Why? Won't it be too late to
cry?
THE SUPERINENDENT: Yes yes. But what does that man care for. Do you expect
him to wave his arms about. Cheer. Shout. Call for all the squirrels to leap
to his feet.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Well no. Not exactly. More like...
THE SUPERINENDENT: Yes?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No I can't. It's just too silly.
THE SUPERINENDENT: No no. Tell. Please tell.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Will you laugh?
THE SUPERINENDENT: Yes. Most likely. I laugh at all your stupid ideas.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Oh. Alright. How can I put it?
THE SUPERINENDENT: Start with a field. Hypothetically of course.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. The field. The very same as
before.
THE SUPERINENDENT: (pulls out puppet) Here. You might need this.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: (takes puppet) yes, thank you. I
thought he was your friend.
THE SUPERINENDENT: The war changed all that.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Ahh... Lost a leg.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Oh. How strange.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No not really. Got blown right off.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Grenade?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: No. I don't really know, it did make
a sharp noise though.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Grenade?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Perhaps.
THE SUPERINENDENT: But enough of this. I am getting very tired.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: But it is only three.
THE SUPERINENDENT: No no. It was three two hours ago. Now it is much later.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Oh. Really. I lot track of it all.
THE SUPERINENDENT: It doesn't really matter. You can wait and wait, but
everything will come as it wishes. There can be no rushing it.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes yes. But now back to the field.
THE SUPERINENDENT: What now?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. What time is it?
THE SUPERINENDENT: Three.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Good. We will be just in time.
THE SUPERINENDENT: (gets two guns, pases one to the man) Here. You will need
this.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Thank you.
THE SUPERINENDENT: No need.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I hope we have not missed it.
THE SUPERINENDENT: The war?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. Will it go on without us?
THE SUPERINENDENT: No no. It'll wait. Everything always waits.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. Cheeze too.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Oh of course. Not always though.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: What, cheeze?
THE SUPERINENDENT: Yes. Sometimes. Not always though.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Of course. I hope you didn't think
that I thought.
THE SUPERINENDENT: No no. Wouldn't think of it. You?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Well it had occurred to me, but I had
not built upon the thesis as of yet.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Oh. Alright. You must get back to me on it.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I will when I can... presuming of
course.. well...
THE SUPERINENDENT: Yes?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Well you could be dead.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Dead? Me?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Well yes. It is a possibility.
THE SUPERINENDENT: No not really. You could be killed though.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Killed? No no.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Suicide?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Murder.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Don't be silly. That just wouldn't do!
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: How about an accidental killing in
the park?
THE SUPERINENDENT: Across the street?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. In the park, though.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Yes yes. I knew that, but I was just making sure that it
was in the park across the street.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Well yes. I see now. (pause) There
is no park across the street.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Down the road, over the bridge and across the little pond.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Well yes. There there is a park.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Across the street?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: You mean the park?
THE SUPERINENDENT: Yes.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Yes. Tonight maybe.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Oh I am sorry, I have totally forgotten what we were
talking about.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: I was to be killed in the park across
the street.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Ah yes. At what time? I wouldn't want to miss it.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Soon.
THE SUPERINENDENT: Good. But how will it be done?
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Here. You be me.
THE SUPERINENDENT: No no. I will pretend to though.
THE MAN WHO WISHES TO RENT AN APARTMENT: Alright. (They stand several feet
apart, facing each other. Their arms by their side. Then step one step
closer. Pause, standing completely straight. The man who wishes to rent an
apartment throws up his arm and pretending to hold a knife shakes it at the
superintendent. The superintendent looks horrified and cringes in fright.
Then suddenly the roles are reversed. The man cringes to the knife of the
superintendent. Then they stop. Turn around facing the audience. Put an arm
around each others shoulder and bow. CURTAIN CLOSES)
NOTE: THIS FUCKING PLAY CAN NOT BE PERFORMED UNLESS YOU FUCKING GET THE FUCKING PERMISION OF THE FUCKING AUTHOR, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU MAY HATE HIS FUCKING GUTS, SHIT FOR BRAINS.
ONCE YOU GET HIS PERMISSION, THEN FUCKING GO AHEAD AND PERFORM THIS PIECE OF SHIT, I JUST FUCKING DARE YOU TO.
WHEN ASKING THE AUTHOR FOR PERMISSION, BE NICE, BECAUSE OTHERWISE HE MIGHT ACT LIKE A SHIT HEAD AND TELL YOU TO GO FUCK A GOAT, UNLESS YOU HAVE MONEY, SINCE HE KIND OF NEEDS ALL HE CAN GET AT THE MOMENT. YOU GOT MONEY, YOU CAN GO UP TO HIM AND SAY "HEY PENIS HEAD, FUCKING LET US PERFORM YOUR FUCKING PLAY, OTHERWISE WE'LL RIP OFF YOUR HEAD AND PISS DOWN YOUR THROAT."
(c) 1990 FUCKING SHIT HEAD PRODUCTIONS ALL FUCKING RIGHTS RESERVED, FUCK HEAD