"You think walking on water is hard, HA! Obviously none of you have walked on your virgin mother's face have you?"
"Y'know, Satan really isn't a bad guy, he and my daddy had a fight, too bad daddy such an alcoholic, maybe then he would have been nicer and not changed Stan's name to satan."
"Suck this sacrament for daddie baby."
Okay, it was a very long time ago. I was talking with Jesus one fine day (I remember it as if it were only a hundred years ago), and we were just chatting. We did that a lot then. Then the horns kicked in. We, of course moved, because the horns were too loud, and out of tune. Needed more practice. Ah well. Anyway, we started to get on the subject of politics and then humanity. Jesus, and I remember this very clearly, said " You know Yohoo, maybe it would be nice not to hit everybody all the time." He had a lot to learn. I told him, that the world wasn't ready for such things as that yet, but Jesus was always a headstrong person. He went around trying to prove that not hitting people would be nice. Unfortunately for him, I was right. The masses were not ready for it, so they nailed him to a tree while making him wear a bush on his head. He should have taken my advice.
"You know, maybe these morons will take me more seriously if I grow a beard."
"What do you mean I gotta pick up the check!"
"Who ever said I could walk on water? I just know where all the rocks are."
"Those mormons are all screwed up - what the hell would I do in America?"
"Who ever thought I'd be reprisented by a bunny with eggs."
"I was only napping."
"Shit, what the fuck are you all doing following me? Now I'll have to call a fish and bread place to feed you all. Dammit, I hate doing that."
"Me? Walk on water? You mean you didn't see Moses carrying me?"
"Come on guys! i didn't MEAN that crack about your noses! Put those sticks down!.....guys?"
One day while Jesus was walking along, he came across a group of people who were about to stone a prostitute to death. He stopped them, saying "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone". The crowd started to disperse, when a little old lady in the crowd let fly with a large rock, which hit the prostitute on the side of the head. Jesus turned to her and said, "Sometimes you really piss me off, Mother"
"My name is Jesus Christ. You raped my mother. Prepare to die."