A pathological liar. A compulsive eater. A nun. What do these things all have in common? Nothing. Yet in a funny way they do, as they are all qualities of Deanna Wilson.
Sister Deanna had always been fat. Many mornings her breakfast consisted of half a dozen eggs and a carton of chocolate milk. Not to mention a quarter of a pound of bacon. She really liked bacon. Yes, liked. You see, Deanna is no longer fat. She no longer eats bacon. In fact, she doesn't even lie any more. But she is still a nun. Oh yes, she is still a nun indeed.
It all started not so long ago, in a nunnery much like this one (humour me). Sister Mary Margaret was in the midst of saying Grace as she did every morning before her fellow sisters could eat their morning meal. This morning, however, something happened. Her head was bowed, as usual, just as every nuns should be. Has always been before. Head down, eyes closed. This time however, a strange noise caused Sister Mary Margaret to raise her head and open her eyes. It was the sound of a pig. A squealing, oinking sort of noise. It was so loud to Mary, that her prayer stopped short and she gasped in surprise. (Pigs were usually not allowed in the dining room).
The problem was, when she lifted her head and eyelids, there was no pig in sight. Except Sister Deanna, that is. She was busy stuffing her mouth with bacon, as she did every morning while Grace was being said. Seeing Deanna eating before everyone else surprised Mary Margaret, and her eyes widened. Not quite as wide, I don't think, as Sister Deanna's when she saw she had been caught. After all, she had been sneaking bacon for years during Grace, and no one ever looked up.
Later on, in Mother Christie's room Sister Mary Margaret and Sister Deanna sat glumly. Deanna because she had been caught sneaking food during prayer, and Mary Margaret because she couldn't adequately explain why SHE had looked up. It seemed that no one else in the dining room had heard the squealing noise at all.
Reprimands were given, and each sister went off to say their Hail Mary's and do penance. Neither had very much to do, as Mother Christie had thought that this was a first offense for each. This was true for Mary Margaret, she was the perfect nun. This was untrue for Deanna. Deanna, being no fool, had not mentioned the fact that she had been sneaking bacon for years. In actuality, Mother Christie had asked if this was her first time, and she said it was. This due to the fact that she was quite the liar.
For the next several days, neither woman looked up during Grace, having learned a simple lesson. Unfortunately for Deanna, her obsessiveness didn't allow for her to learn too great of a lesson. Therefore when she thought the whole matter had been forgotten, she decided she would go back to sneaking bacon.
This turned out to be somewhat of a mistake. No sooner had she lifted her chin and grabbed a piece of bacon did Sister Mary Margaret jerk her eyes open in surprise and look up. Again, she could have sworn (if she wasn't so pure) that she heard a pig squealing, oinking, and making quite the ruckus. It just wasn't something she could ignore. And again, she caught Deanna with her hand in the cookie jar.
This went on and on. Sometimes Deanna wouldn't open her eyes, just reach out and grab some bacon. Still Mary could hear the pig. Once Deanna put her hands on the scrambled eggs instead, and Mary claimed to hear a chicken, clucking and squawking. By now, of course, everyone knew that Deanna had been lying about never doing it before. After all, if she had been caught the very first time, then she would never have tried again. At the same time, no one could explain the strange sounds that Mary Margaret was hearing.
Mother Christie, however, had an explanation. It is God, she exclaimed. God is angry with Sister Deanna at eating during Grace, and lying to her sisters. Well, this went over well with all of the sisters who had always been looking for signs that God existed, except for Deanna. Poor Deanna. She certainly didn't like the fact that she had brought the wrath of God onto herself. Her guilt became so bad that she stopped eating altogether, and in a matter of weeks had dropped many, many pounds. She also stopped lying. In fact, she ceased with all of her bad habits. She did penance every day, whether ordered by Mother Christie or not. As for Mary Margaret, she no longer heard the animal noises, but everyone thought that she was a chosen one, and hailed her as the next Mother.
This brings us, then, back to the beginning of this story and the point of this narrative. If God does exist, and something like this ever happens, would God be so uptight about being prayed to? No. Not if what we read about him is true. He is supposedly all of the good qualities of humanity, and being proud and wanting worship is not a productive or righteous virtue - not one that we like to see in people, at any rate. That being the case, he does not care whether we pray or not. If he is there, he is there by choice. He stays by choice. We are his creation, and he chooses to keep himself secret. If he wants our praise, let him do something to warrant it. If he wants our worship without reason, let him go to hell. Perhaps he's already there. Perhaps God and Satan are one in the same. Perhaps I am the messiah. Perhaps I hear pigs every time I eat bacon.