Very few people can honestly say they've looked at a garage door and drooled for over an hour and I'm no exception to that rule. However, I do have some things which set me apart from the human race, or the Plangibites as I call them.
I constantly repeat the word "Literally" in a very shocked voice. This caused me problems all through my first year of high school, when the trouble began. This is my main little quirk, I suppose, although I also like eating the crusts on bread and some Plangibites find that odd. Oh, yes, and I also like putting feathers in my mouth sometimes, but there's a reason for that.
I remember in the summer of my 16th year, when the children of the world crowded around my house and offered to bake me whatever I wanted, ha, that was life, right there. I mean, their mouths said "bake", but their eyes said something ENTIRELY different. It was in Spanish unfortunately, so I screamed, I believe. There was a bit of sailing and I may have been married to some sort of ugly mammal or an attractive lizard, depending on how you look at it. The ceremony was no thrill, if it ever DID happen, because when the minister asked me if I took the creature for my bride, I could only reply "Literally!"
The most thrilling sequence was the time with the chandelier, how I cried, I didn't care.. man... I had diseases, I was happy. Sure, the organs were gone, but I figured they were all decorative anyway, and hey if they didn't want to work who am I to maintain a fruity plantation of sewage and marsh.
Calidox was my dog until the fourth trimester when he began to change so drastically until by the end he was my kitchen sink instead, I loved to have water or maybe a small gang war in that sink it just reminded me of him so much and his velour years oh those were the times I didn't have a care in the world just a dog I forget his name now but that's okay.
"Sorry," I said as I gently stroked the nightstand, I didn't mean anything by this of course it was just how I expressed myself always have, gee, what with the scheduling problems. I don't want to imply that time exists, but .. time DOES exist... oh I'm sorry, was that bias? Well, don't blame me, my mother was the one who insisted that gravy was just a pet name for flour, how I sprinkled that flour all over my potatoes and meat and various other things, if you know what I mean, ruined the mind, I tell you. One eats too much flour raw, one develops brain splinters, I believe some English Bonhomme substitute once did some research on this phenomenon, his report was titled:
BRAINWASHING SINCE THE MIDDLE AGES WITH
PARTICULAR AND UNWARRANTED EMPHASIS ON
OLD WOMEN WITH YOUNG CATS
It was wildly successful as I recall, I believe I have
a few copies around here someplace, hold on a moment... Ah
yes, and I quote, "...she gently strokes this fine young
alley wonder, as he purrs and stares up at the sun
gracefully glinting off her fine silver stands..." I can
quote no more without being sued for plagerism, but needless
to say, the book quite caught on despite the total lack of
concentration on the subject matter.. I forget what the
subject matter was now, but it was important damn you. H!
I'm sorry, I've been a bit bitter ever since that camel taunted me with all that stored water, he kept on calling it "water", as I recall. Hmm, that doesn't seem so bad now (in ret-tro-spect) but at the time I remember vowing to kill him and maybe even baste him with some noodles, I'll be honest and confess that I have a thing for noodles, noodles and dead birds, I loved them. Don't let anyone ever tell you that I killed them though, anyone ever tries, you just yell "SHut up! Shut up!" very loudly, maybe throw in a "vile Satan" every now and then (so as to be tasteful) and then I want you to put some sort of foliage in their mouth, nothing TOO leafy, that doesn't matter anymore.
No, I just found the dead birds, there were a lot of cats around my house for a while, but they were pacifist cats or something, or maybe they just had guilty consciences... anyhow, they simply killed the birds and then left them alone, really this time it's true! Don't bring up the court incident, I know what a good pair of bones can do to the human digestive system and yet we all have them, hmm, funny in an ironic sort of way, bones are so much our enemy and yet so much our ally, we'd all be lumps on the street (or on the grass, in some lucky cases) if they weren't our slaves I mean our, um, friends, yes, ha ha, friends!
The trial was fixed, I'll say that much in my defense. I saw that lawyer and that judge talking to one another. I saw the lawyer talking DIRECTLY to the jury and just telling them outright to send me to hell, the bastard didn't even have the decency to do it in private. He knew as I know that a man who likes to put feathers in his mouth has no rights before the eyes of the court. I believe they actually had the gall to accuse me of eating birds? Like I WOULD! There was some nonsense about how I thought I was a cat and that I had a fetish for older women, I don't see how that is true, I do have a fetish for noodles but noodles and older women have very little in common since the operation. I recall the judge asking me how I pleaded, to which I responded "Literally!" He may have shot me, for there was suddenly a smoking gun in his hand and a large hole in my chest from which blood and pain eminated. I dare not assume.
How do the Andes Mountains relate to all of this, you ask? Well, you see, if it hadn't been for the Andes Mountains, the Spanish military might have been better able to stop the rebellions in South America, as quite a few of their units were on the wrong side of the mountains. The stopping of those revolts would've allowed Spain additional troops and supplies, and Napolean couldn't have taken over Spain so he would then discover needlepoint instead of taking over most of Europe.
Then, I assume, the French people wouldn't have been so impressed with Napolean, so when they restored the monarchy, the monarchy would've stayed. The American Revolution would've been a dismal failure, and as England sucked the life out of North America and Spain sucked the life out of South America, they would war over who got to keep France and stuff like that. Personally, I think that Spain would've won. So we'd all be speaking Spanish. So no one would be able to read what I'm writing. Good thing for the Andes Mountains!
But that was but an interlude. As I stared up at the judge who I suspected of shooting me, I collapsed to the floor. Out came the lawyers, and the jury, and the Ukraine, and they hoisted large slabs of wiggling meat above me and began to turn it around slowly and sing songs of happy wood floating in indifferent water and skip, and jump and roll over, I was in heaven until I realized that the wiggling meat was slowly charring. Small drips of fat landed upon me and sizzled. With each drop, I felt myself flicker for a moment, and then be stronger. It was about now that I realized I had become a fire. I began to whimper, and their carefree carolling slowed to a slow, soothing yodel, as they attempted to soothe me. But no. I sobbed. My tears came out, and I began to self extinguish. Within moments I had put myself out, and the memories of what I had been were simply smoke rising above the spot I had occupied on the soft gelatin floor. I blame the Plangibites.