Ralph was tossed around roughly as the guided his small starship into the planet's atmosphere. The bumping went away as he pierced through the clouds, and he slapped the buttons on his dashboard which armed the undercarriage Trout Cannon(TM) on the ship. He'd made a deal for it on the last planet he visited. All he paid for it was sixteen measly pounds of cake icing... quite a steal. The representative he dealt with from Stigco, the producer of the weapon, was obviously new at the trading game, and Ralph had pulled off the deal of the eon.
He landed the ship harsly on the sandy surface, and hopped out, making sure to grab his Gerbil Rifle(TM) and some food. After checking to make sure he'd locked the door securely, Ralph slammed it shut and wandered off into the distance.
A loud drooling sound suddenly caught his attention, and Ralph spun around to his right to see a seven foot purple plasma-sucker... one of the most feared beasts in the known universe. Its purple polkadots heaved with its heavy breathing, and neon yellow eyebrows quivered with its own breath. Saliva dripped steadily from its protruding upward fangs, and it looked mighty hungry.
"Chew explosive death!" Ralph cried as he yanked a Hamster Grenade(TM) from his belt. He pulled the pin and was just about to lob it at the great beast when he was frozen by a voice.
"No! Please, don't!" A voice beckoned from behind him. Ralph slowly turned around to see the almost naked body of the gorgeous Queen Nanitaalisma standing proudly in her skin-tight, see-through all purpose Flexi-Skin (TM) pressure suit. Her full lips pouted redly behind the PLEXAN (TM) of her Bubble-Head (TM) helmet. "Please don't hurt my little Pookey. He's been my pet for two thousand stanyea" she demurred. Just think, one of those hideous killers as a pet to this valuptous sex kitten. There must be more to this woman than meets the eye. "I've got to get you off this rock , pronto. The Aarlganian Slime Beasts will be landing within the hour. Unless they beam over, then there could be here a nanosecond. By Space! We've got to make some jet trails !" "Can we take Pookey with us?"asked the Queen of 3,287 star systems. As her dragged her luscious form across the sand he tersely replied, "Yeah but he'll have to stay in the hold". Ralph wondered to himself if the great slavering beast would even fit in the hold , without the use of a Cargo-Shrink(TM) black hole storage facility. "We'll worry about that later "he thought as the three of them struggled across the sand toward the ship.
Suddenly, and rather unfortunately, the ground opened up and Ralph, the queen, and Pookie fell about 81548m into the centre of of the planetoid. They landed on some very comfy lawn chairs. A waiter dressed in a Hot Miringue Suit (tm) walked over to them and offered to take their orders. Pooky ordered lava on the rocks. The queen ordered a porksicle. Ralph ordered liberty, but the waiter said they were all out so Ralph ordered death. Death came over and joined them. "How've you been, Death?" Rick asked innoncently.
"Good, with one exception", replied Death. "You see, I have this problem... Just then, a an Islamic splinter-faction group parachuted down and proceeded to shoot everybody with jelly-beans from Semi-automatic weapons and ran away shouting "Victory or a guest shot on Donahue!" They left, never to be seen again.
After the terrorists left the waiter spilled a drink on Death. Always a very bad mistake. Death took one look a the waiter and said, "Don't worry right now I'll come for you in a few years. Remember, always be careful while swimming !" Death knew that the waiter would die while pulling an anchor chain on a cruiseship but he wanted to annoy the waiter and it worked.
So the Islamic splinter faction returned (they killed off never, who couldn't stand them, but then, who can?) and killed death with stories about their last Jihad (holy-war), and 15 racks of slides taken during it (See me kill the infidel dog at Mecca?). The leader shouted "No prisoners! No prisoners!" and then Lawrence of Arabia came in and beat the stuffing out of him. Just then, a convention of Jehovah's Witnesses were seated and started to try to convert the waiter. The waiter was Jewish and bled all over their meal. After they ate it, he told them what they did, and they fell into a black hole, muttering "Well, that's the last time we do that." They left the waiter no tip, so he said "Cheap bastards." and left his job to become a wrestler in the WWF (maybe you recognize him, I hope). Meanwhile, an unknown source of paranormal activity was growing and thriving underground in a forest called crystal lake. Ralph, was going to get a horrifying awakening to a reality of terror that bellowed beyond the dark, depths of his brain. Ralph, must have thought that becoming a wrestler would be a smart thing to do. The point is though, that there is a being that in a dimension of his own, unlocks doors to other people's pasts and futures. This being is one called MEKRAH.
As Ralph went inside his dressing room, and calling it a night, he heard a crack of thunder, and a cool wisp of wind that seemed to come from the source of his own closet?! In his dim lit room, Ralph ventured forth to open up that closet door. His nerves became steel and his heart beat raced as well as his mind, as if his mind was telling him notto venture forth to open that door. His eyes were shut tight, and sweat dripped from his body. He could see a flashing of light, and then the roll of thunder that boomed across the sky. When Ralph opened his eyes, he found to his amazement, a HUGE mansion that stood like a wraith in the night beyond some trees. This house was located in a quite large forest to his inspection. He stood there and thought if he should go on an adventure to investigate this house (You would to if you had a mansion in your closet). He took one step inside the closet and then another standing steadfast. The rain poured heavily downon the earth and him. He needed to seek shelter fast. For some odd reason,the rain seemed to burn at his flesh like an acid as it poured heavily upon him. He could no longer bare the pain of the rain, and the cold wind that blewacross the land leaving a graveyard feeling. The thick mist that was on the ground helped mostly to the effect.
He spun around quickly to see no closet door! His dressing room had vanished. Only spruce, grass, maple trees, other plant life, and a HUGE swamp could be seen. The swamp stretched as far as theeye could see. "Hello, Ralph, or should I say Jason." He spun around once more rapidly, his heart beat accelerating in fright to see the mansion doors in the distance in a shape of a mouth of a beast talking to him. The doors or mouth beckoned him tocome forth. Ralph, nodded no. A growl roared across the land louder than the thunder, and the mouth blew a warm wind straight at him which swept him off his feet and into the air. The sky was a charcoal grey, and the swamp looked likea water logged cemetary. Before he could catch a breath, the wind blew in an opposite direction. The mouth was sucking him into the mansion like a vortex!! NOOOOOOOOO! Ralph's scream was covered by the thunder of the storm, andhe flew swiftly into the mouth of the mansion, and total darkness came as he was knocked out by a putrid scent of the house.
When Ralph awoke he found himself in an incredibly black room. I mean, he'd been in some pretty damn black rooms before, but they were white compared to this room. This room was so black you could taste it. And Ralph did. And he liked it, quite a bit in fact, and he began to gulp down mouthful after mouthful of the darkness and blackness. After a few hours he felt full and started to moan loudly, and unhappily. Suddenly, a large panda walked into the room and began to giggle in the corner. "What's so funny?", demanded Ralph angrily. "Oh nothing", mumbled the panda, "Just the fact that you've been eating tar for the past 7 weeks." Ralph pounced and ripped the panda apart. He couldn't help it - he was the hostile type. He realized with shock that it was only a figment of his imagination. The panda bear quickly picked up Ralph by the neck, shook him vigorouslly, and then with one mighty leap, about fifteen feet into the air, he gaveRalph a VERY painful pile driver.
Ralph, awoke to find himself within the house. The putrid scent came from a plant growing out of the floor. Its fragrance was like a tranquilizer. He took a single step forward, and to his surprise, he had bare, big feet. He caught the glimpse of a mirror to his left above his shoulder, hanging in mid-air. He looked just like the movie character JASON from Friday the 13th! What is the meaning of this he pondered,as he gazed at himself in the mirror. His concentration was suddenly broken bythe spine tingling creak of the inner front door. His new concentration, was on screaming in terror behind his hockey mask. The stench of carcasses, and blood filled the long hallway, and lobby, and his nostrils. He swiftly covered the nose holes of his mask, and held his breath, but it was no use. He had to breathe sometime. He had to bare with the awful aroma of the hallway full of half decapitated bodies which still moved and struggled in anguish.
Moans, groans, screams of medically dead, or dieing echoed through his ears and beat on his ear drums. Sounds of non human like things coould be heard also. Ralph, looked up ahead into the horizon of the long hallway, and saw some kind of beast walking towards him.
He looked closely at the things eyes, and he felt that this thing wasn't happy to see him. He was a sport though, and he didn't want to make any wrong decisions. The thing creeped closer andcloser, and standing one foot away, the beast threw a swift punch for Ralph's head. He jerked his head back, feeling its punch graze his mask. He retaliatedwith one viscous right hook to the face of the strange creature. His fist impact splattered the creature, and it materialized into the floor.
"More coming!" He exclaimed in his head. He saw something glitter in front of him which wasn't there before. It was a double bladed axe. This was only the beginning of the gorey adventure of SPLATTER HOUSE. To his unknowledge, the task will be long and hard.
It was the end of the road, or that's what it seemed. A white crystal glowed at the end of the attic, but everything was too peaceful. His axe was dowsed, and dripping in blood. He came within ten feet of the ivory white object, when it then hovered upwards, and flew at him. He dove out of the way, and swiftly threw his axe behind the crystal. The blade pierced the crystal, and stook it into the wall. The only thing that repeated itself in his mind was that he wanted to return home, he couldn't bare this torture anymore. Ralph, felt a tear drip from his eye, and as he got up, he brought himself to the event that was happening now. The crystal, like a screen of water, covered the west wall.
Luminous colors began to form, and combined to show a picture. It was a picture of a girl he once knew. He justcouldn't get a name to match. Just then a voice thundered throughout the attic, and winds from all directions metin one place to form a apparition.
"I am MEKRAH, soul heir of SPLATTER HOUSE." I brought you here for the benefit of gaining respect in yourself. Do you think becoming a wrestler is what you wanted. You have been skipping through life as if it were a joke. Ralph, didn't say a word. For in his mind, he knew that this MEKRAH, had a point, and was right.
He could feel himself becoming more aware of life and what it really had to offer. He bowed his head, and could hear laughter coming from the picture. He looked up, and saw the lady running through a meadow, wearing a light blue skirt, and a T-shirt that fit loosely onher. She was magnificent. She was a brunette with long hair a bit passed hershoulders. He felt her laughter pierce his heart like an armor piercing rocket.He felt as if he needed to be with her, and feel her. She was about 5'10, with a figure that boggled the mind. She was so innocent.
"See with your heart and not with your mind." Said Mekrah. Ralph, brought his attention back to thepainting and began running at it. He listened to what the apparition in the mass amount of black cloaks, he leaped at the picture, and went into it. It was some kind of gate to another world. His appearance from Jason, went back to a normal state, and he wore grey pants, with a light black top. He was flung ata tremendous speed into the water of a lake that sparkled from the sun's rays reflecting off of it. His vision was blurred as he came around. He was on a beach. The lady's singing disturbed his mind, and he got up musterring up any reserve strength in his muscles that ached from splatter house, and began to run. He saw the lady, and she spun around staring right back at him. She stopped her dancing, and began running at him too. The lady then pulled out a tai chi sword from the orange coloured sheath attached to her left leg. She pointed it at Ralph. Ralph stopped. He fell down. The lady slowly walked up to him and knelt at his side. She poured green tapioca pudding all over his neck. It felt good. Ralph smiled. The lady told Ralph that her Xynthian name was Domina, and that Ralph was now her slave. Poor Ralph.
She supplied Ralph with all the cosmetics he would ever need and with an endless wardrobe of designer clothes. He was happy. He was content. The next day, Ralph went on the new Scarsford diet and gained 32 nigs. Ralphs main duties were to keep Domina sexually satisfied. This was into a guy. Just then, the Islamic splinter faction group came charging in, killing lots of huge leeches. Ralph asked why and they said that this place won for the Jihad of the day. They were going to conquer it, and said that Ralph could tag along and take photos for the neighbors. They hack/slashed and fought their way through to the end with ease (it was worse trying to get a guest shot on Donahue, one of them remarked), while Ralph took pictures. And, girls, Evil-E's goin' ta getcha.
Sorry, I lasped. But, I disgress. Ralph bid goodbye to his family and friends and the dolphins and made way for Azathoth, idiot god of foolishness.
"Azathoth?"
"No."
Ralph gasped at the denile and hid himself in the sand just as the cats marched by in their suede jergins. The covered themselves with sundries as Ralph stared on in bemusement. Their beligerent flesh blistered by the light of the moon, and Ralph's head exploded in a fury of semen and yellowy puss. Ralph, opened his eyes to a sky of clouds that were moving faster then they should. What made him hold his breath the most is that the sky was turning red.
"Somebody help me!!!"
His cries went unheard, as each word echoed over the land. He began to think of the time he was on his spaceship, flying a solo mission. He had a flashback! Ralph, remembered also that he was running from something and his remembrance was broken by a migrain thatcame on. He couldn't believe what was happening to him. He was in a state of confusion, and then derived to a state of euphoria. His eyes widened to feel adrop of water hit his skin. He let go a sigh of relief, and closed his eye lids until half shut, and lifted his head to look at his body. There were drops of red on his clothes. Ralph, squinted his eyes, and observed more closely as the red spots kept appearing, and then as he opened his mouth in awe, red spot formed on his tongue. It was raining, he knew, but not water, it was raining blood! He screamed in terror, and hoisted himself off the ground. He had no idea of what was going on around him. Confusion took its place once more inhis mind, and beat at his tempos, this time only driving him insane. He lookedahead of him, and saw a nearby forest.
He sprinted to the tree infested area, and stood under a tall eucalyptus tree, and gasped for air. He needed time to think as he tried retracing the events from the solo mission back. He couldn'tremember passed seeing his girlfriend before going on his solo mission. GIRLFRIEND! His eyes widened, and his heart beat sped up. That's who that women looked like! She looked like my girlfriend Tanya Hala! He was excited that he finally placed her face, but that wouldn't help him to find his way back to where he belonged, on some distant planet, or realm, or dimension time only driving him insane. He lookedahead of him, and saw a nearby forest.
He sprinted to the tree infested area, and stood under a tall eucalyptus tree, and gasped for air. He needed time to think as he tried retracing the events. But then the Islamic splinter faction group came and killed all the people there, except Ralph, who took pictures for their slide-shows. Little did these inhabitants know that there name was put in a draw for this groups next Holy-war, but it was and there was nothing they could do. Ralph had taken some nice photos, so they hired him as a permanent Photographer and they went on tour. A man is a man who respects himself as a man physically and most of all psychologically. Ralph, had no respect for himself, and all the time of being a teenager, he was only a boy, an infant. He had no idea of what the past adventures meant. No absolute clue! Hewas indeed frustrated with himself, and he only had himself to blame.
He never new that what was his goal in this madness was to find respect. What did Splatter House mean? What did the hamster grenades, and strange creatures have to do with what was goingon? What did the Islamic faction group have to do with this also? These questions beat rampant in his mind. He just couldn't put his finger on anything thatwas occuring. He gritted his teeth in despair, and he knew that he was lost without answers. He shrank down by the tree, and gradually drifted off to sleep.
adventures meant. No absolute clue! Hewas indeed frustrated with himself, and he only had himself to blame.
He never new that what was his goal in this madness was to find respect. What did Splatter House mean? What did the hamster grenades, and strange creatures have to do with what was goingon? What did the Islamic faction group have to do with this also? These questions beat rampant in his mind. He just couldn't put his finger on anything thatwas occuring. He gritted his teeth in some plaid shorts. The wearer said "Ouch! Why did you do that?" Ralph noticed the wearer was a she, and not too bad either.Ralph prmptly forgot about those deep questions and started to try to er ... ... .... ... ... ... "get into her pants and... well, this isn't that kind of story. So Ralph changed his name to Bobob and they started to date. After two hours, they realized it wouldn't work so they broke up. Fortunately, Bobob (couldn't get the name rechanged) had some glue and put himself back together.
Sirens filled the air, screaming skulls hollered their anguish. A deeply hid- den cry of nightmare memories that went unignored. The ghost of war was Ralph's encounter of gaining 'himself' back. He turned around in circles, and squinted his eyes, plugged his ears.
The cries of the dieing is all he could hear. He felt weak in the knees, but will power drove him to stand and fight.He was fighting himself, that was what he had figured out, but he couldn't findout where to brgin to cease this psychological warfare that something or someone was putting him through. He was surprised at his own endurance to this pain.
So then he got a stand-in to fight himself and he won, while Bobob (Ralph still can't get his name changed back) took a rest. When he came back later, he found himself lying on the ground in a pool of his own (he had it installed while on vacation, inground, heated and Olympic-sized). Then he dove in and forgot he couldn't swim and was swimming around when a neighbor came along and told him that he couldn't swim. Luckily, Bobob got out before he drowned and thanked God that the neighbor reminded him that he couldn't swim before he killed himself. Bobob went into the house and found a cockroache there, soaking up some sun. Bobob (hell, Ralph, they gov't lost the records of his name change, so they started to call him Ralph again) hated cockroaches, and vowed to get rid of them all. He started with a can of Bug-Bomb, but they just drank it up. Then he tried to squish the roaches with the can, but they were too quick (all those years of getting sprayed with chemicals did wonders to their immune system). Ralph decided to call an exterminator. The exterminator came, but was frightened off by the roaches. He suggested that Ralph needed a priest and not an exterminator. So of course, Ralph got a Rabbi (he's Jewish). The Rabbi could do nothing, although he told Ralph about some nice cheese at the deli and that he should try some. Ralph said he was a vegetarian, he only ate things named after plants. Ralphthanked the Rabbi and bid him goodbye. Ralph then went to the army surplus store and got a bazooka. He started firing at the little beggars as he lay down explosive death. Unfortunately, the house didn't like the idea and so it collapsed on Ralph. His last thoughts were,"Oh well, at least I got the roaches." Then he died.
The roaches had prepared for just such an emergency and had a bomb shelter ready for when Ralph got the bazooka. When Ralph started to blast, they went under, and survived the house's collapsing.
THE END (or is it?)
the army surplus store and got a bazooka. He started firing at the little beggars as he lay down explosive death. Unfortunately, the house didn't like the idea and so it collapsed on Ralph. His last thoughts were,"Oh well, at least I got the roaches." Then he died.
The roaches had prepared for just such an emergency and had a bomb shelter ready for when Ralph got the bazooka. When Ralph started to blast, they went under, and survived the house's collapsing.