Hello friends. I just thought I'd call once again to gloat a bit. How nice it is that Mrs. Rowlands is now our mayor. Be afraid, satanists and homosexuals, your hell is here. Of course, I voted for Ken Campbell, but at least that left-wing athiest layton wasn't elected. It's a good day to be a Christian.
So how is everyone? Still worshipping trees? Still committing sins with your bodies? I've been kept quite busy with the pro-life movement lately, and our job is going to be easier now that one of us in mayor. I figure that we should have most of the abortuaries closed by spring since the police won't get in our way. Amen to that. After our work here is done, I'm planning to go to a missionary in Sudan. Beginning to make preparations already. So many of those poor blacks are starving...starving for word that Jesus Christ the Saviour loves them. I'm so happy that left wing extremism is dead. No more feminism, no more gay rights, certainly no abortion. It is a great wave that is sweeping the globe. A tital wave, from St. Petersburg to Johannesburg. And on this wave, all true Christians will be surfers while heathens die a horrible death with seaweed in their lungs, only to be dried off once they reach hell. This has been promised unto us by the Lord God, and there will be observation decks in heaven from which we will watch you suffer indescribable agonies at the hands of the devil for your sins. Grape juice from Eden will flow from our fountains, while you will have only molten tar to chew upon. We will be able to chat over croissants with St. Thomas and St. Paul while you have Charles Manson buggering you while you toil. Beethoven and Mozart shall be played over our PA system, and you will be constantly subjected to live Venom recordings at full volumn. The most luxerious silk underwear shall we wear whilst you have nothing but maggoty rags over your emancipated bodies. All the best food we can eat shall be free from the replicators, and nothing but live cockroaches shall ever pass your lips.
Their is still time! You can repent! Throw out your occult garbage, burn all of your books save the Bible, destroy your contraceptives, do not have sex until you marry a person of the opposite sex, abstain from any alcohol or drugs. Obey the 10 commandments, read the new testament, and above all, accept Jesus as your personal saviour. Welcome him into your bodily orifices and your soul. Surrender yourself to him, body and soul, and join him in leather bondage. This you must do, else the hounds of hell shall gnaw upon your ankles for eternity with their long, rabid fangs, and they shall rub themselves against your legs and you will be unable to detach them from you until they spill their green slimey sperm all over your rags.
No! If I can save just one of you I shall be successful. If I can convince just one of you to kneel before your master, Jesus, and lick his boots and feel your penance for sins from his whip, I shall be overjoyed. What greater happiness, what greater privilege, can there be on heaven or hell or earth than to be shackled and blindfolded before the Lord? NAY! Cold-blooded tiny fish shall swim in the volcanoes of HELL before earthly pleasures can compare with having your nipples pierced and chained to little bells for GOD!
Thank you.
Rapunzel