In the beginning, there was void. Then God created the heavens and the earth, and God said "Let there be light"; and there was light. And God said the light was good, and separated the light from the dark, and the day from the night. Then God said "Let there be bread", and there was bread, and it was baked by the head of the sun, and turned a golden, crispy brown, upon which God could melt whatever condiments he shall choose. And God separated the toast from the bread, and saw that they both were good.
One the first day, God created the plants and animals and people which inhabit the earth, and the land upon which plants shall grow, and the animals and humans shall live on, and the seas in which the fish shall live. The latter half of the first, and the remaining six days, was devoted to devine and glorius toasted products. On the second day, God created condiments. The butters, jellies, jams, marmalades, syrups and other wonderful toppings to enhance the taste of toast (as if it needed it..). And God looked upon these condiments, and placed them in his mouth, and deemed them: "Good." On the third day, God created Eggos. By his devine hand, handy little pockets were placed on the surface of the Eggos, so they hold syrup and other liquid condiments better, thus once again, enhancing their taste. On the fourth day, God took a break from toast in order to create a fornicating partner for that whiny Adam. On the fifth day, God created the final, most devine of toasted products to ever be created: Pop-tarts. And God saw that they were good, so good, in fact, that they needed no condiments, as they already had tasty fruit fillings. On the sixth day, God created a device which makes toast and toasted products available to anyone and everyone: the toaster. And God deemed that toasters would cause the toast to pop up from their pocket of warmth, and that a dial would be placed on its side so as to adjust the amount of toastiness. And, God also deemed that toasters would be popular gifts for banks to give to the masses, so that every human may enjoy the gifts of toast.
On the seventh day, God rested, looked down upon what he hath done, and said: "Yum."
Soon, Adam and Eve grew bored of running around the Garden of Eden eating toast and fornicating, so, looking for something new, they ate from the tree of knowledge. God jumped out from behind the tree and yelled "AHA! GOTCHA!" and banished them from the Garden, and from toast, forever.
Then a bunch of people begat a whole bunch of other people, who knew still more people and begat other people, who knew other people and begats others, and so on...
And so it was to be, the human race was fruitful and multiplied, and lived under God's grace and wisdom, content with the Earth, but mourning the loss of toast, eggos and pop-tarts. Until one day, a holy and wise old man named Moses left a slice of bread out in the hot sun of the Sahara desert, and went off to talk with a burning bush. When he came back, there was a piece of toast waiting for him, and Moses fell to his knees to thank God in his mercifulness.
So Moses went on to climb Mount Sinai, where God gave him two large pieces of toast, with His commandments written on them in Strawberry Jam. He went down the mount to find a bunch of pagans worshipping a cow and eating huge slabs of beef.
"Eat toast!" said Moses unto the Pagans.
"Toast! Ha! Toast is passe," said the Pagans. "Here, have some beef."
At which Moses became angry, and cast down one of the giant pieces of toast, and the jam was smeared all over the rocks, making the commandments illegible. The Pagans liked the rocks, and ate the toast, and saw the glory of God, and, more importantly, the glory of toast.
The ten commandments of God, written on the other piece, are:
1. Thou shalt covet toast, and toasted products, and toast them to desired
crispiness, and season them with condiments to desired taste.
2. Thou shalt not place unnatural condiments on toast, such as ketchup, which
is meant for fries, or Bar-B-Que sauce, which is meant for beef.
3. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's toast.
4. Thou shalt not burn toast until it is black, thus rendering a devinity
inedible, unless you really do like it black.
5. Thou shalt eat toast for breakfast or for lunch, but not for dinner. Too
much of a good thing is sinful.
6. Grilled cheese sandwiches shalt not be considered a toast product, since
it is grilled, not toasted.
7. Thou shalt not stick a fork in a toaster, or suffer God's wrath.
8. Thou shalt not try and fix thy toaster by taking it apart thyself. Thou
shalt send it to a qualified repairperson, or by praying.
9. Thou shalt be generous with thy toast always.
10. Thou shalt not kill, steal, commit adultry, etc. etc.
God decided to scourge the Earth of all the toast mongering and toast abusing masses, which at the time, was everybody except Noah and his family. God spaketh down to Noah and this is what he sayeth:
"Noah. Build a ark. A big one."
"Okay. Why?"
"Because I'm going to flood the Earth. I need you to put a male and a female of each species of animal on the ark. You and those animals will begin life on earth afresh."
"How are my sons and daughters to have children? Isn't incest a sin?"
"Just shut up and do as I say. Bastard."
And so it was, Noah built his ark, and God made it rain for forty days and forty nights, and the toast became soggy and the people drowned, except for good Noah and his family and their animals, who all enjoyed toast products to the end of their days.
(These are basically the same as in the King James version, except the word "toast and toasted products" is substituted for "Lord", "the Lord", "God", etc.)
And so the years passed on, great city-states and their kings came and went, and the glory of toast once again slipped into obscurity. The repressive regimes of the times were keeping all toasted products to themselves.
God looked down and wept at what his creation did. He decided to send down his son to show the people the glory of toast and toast products once again.
His son was named Jesus, and he performed many miracles. He turned water into toast and walked on toast and gave toast to the lepers and toastized his various disicples. Of course, the Roman Emperor wanted to keep the toast to himself, so he didn't like this Jesus fellow spreading it amongst the masses. So, he had Jesus crucified, and the Roman soldiers waved toast in his face and went "Ah, Jeez. Want some toast Jesus? Why don't you just reach out and grab it... Oops, I forgot, your hands are nailed to that piece of wood. Ah-ha!"
But Jesus became a martyr, and the Roman empire was overthrown eventually and the toast freed to please the masses of the Earth to this very day.
Amen. Toast.