Always wet. That's what I was, that's what my friends called me. But, that's perfectly relevant to my story as a punch myself lightly in the head. It all started back... Way back. So goddamn back, you'd have to have a ten-foot pole just to see the left speaker as it dripped molassas on me.
"Hey, care to buy me an ulcer?" she told me. I remember it like it was all fuzzy and smooth, like a new born chick in the throes of death. The weave was tight, the threads, bright. If I had a gun, I'd lick it. But noooo, she just hadda change channels. I shot her. The gunblast rang out like an overused simile in a cave in the Grand Canyon. She looked down at the neat hole in her left knee the bullet had left in her. She fell. She never hit the ground because a hole opened up under her and sucked her down in it's inky depths.
"How odd," I thought. "She never goes ANYWHERE without saying goodbye..."
But my thoughts were elsewhere as I hopped in my Pinto and left for that great grey leaf in the ground. I stopped off at a bar called Your Mother's Womb. It was quite subtle. I spotted the Oreo cookie across the room.
"Hey! Memorex!"
Great, I thought, just great. All I needed were his useless anachorisms and anarchistic speaker covers.
"Wanna buy a speaker cover? I got a great deal on this Total Chaos's."
"Forget it, moonya, I'm married."
"C'mon, we all do it once in a while."
"Who you callin' 'we'?"
"C'mon... ya wanna be cool, doncha?"
"Aaaaaaarrrrrgg."
I took his speaker covers and fucked the radio 'til it screamed the periodic table in a frenzy of speechless dial soap commercials.
"Heheh. Knew I'd get ya."
I woke up an hour later, in a tastefully decorated lamb spleen. The lights went out.
"Where am I?"
"How cliche."
"Who are you?"
"How cliche."
"Ok, yellow polkadots. That's not cliche."
"How cliche."
Sudden realisation hit me like a brick on a sunny day. They had locked me in a spleen with Kev. How cruel can one school of blowfish get?
A vein suddenly screamed in the lining of the spleen. A door opened in the side and a clock walked in and started whispering 'col' llamain' with Aack' until I went insane.
Then I died.