Although it wasn't his real name, he still liked to be called "Dirty Harry." In fact, he insisted. The reason was simple: He basically was Dirty Harry, at least, in his own mind. But where as Clint cleaned the streets clear of slime, he cleared the lawns.
Dirty Harry was a weed man.
Dirty Harry was also not a well man.
Was it not Aristotle who was noted on saying that "There was never a great genius without a tincture of madness." Dirty Harry's genius was the invention of the Weedgenocider (c).
Other weed control products merely removed the outgrowth of the weed, which would mean that within a short space of time, the weed would grow again. There were others that attempted to "pop" the entire weed, roots and all, out of the ground, this did sometimes work in removing the weed, but left a hole in the lawn, which is very unsightly. There are sprays and fertilizers. None of them work very well.
It was then that Dirty Harry invented the Weedgenocider (c). The Weedgenocider (c) was the ultimate in weed control. Dirty Harry personally guaranteed that any lawn treated by the Weedgenocider (c) would never grow another weed.
The reason was simple. Dirty Harry had a secret ingredient: Weedicide 657.
To Dirty Harry, the lawn was the most important thing in the world. Weedicide 657 might not be environmentally friendly, but it did make lawns look beautiful. People just had to get their priorities right, thought Dirty Harry. At least you could hide any two headed children you might have in the basement, but a lawn was there for the world to see.
To Dirty Harry the ultimate evil was the weed. He was a Crusader of old, fighting for the holy land. But Dirty Harry's holy land was not some chunk of dirt, at the eastern end of the Med, but the lawn. He wasn't in it for profit. He only took what he needed to survive and to carry on his fight.
Dirty Harry was of course, completely insane.
During the fifties, Dirty Harry, with his own money, bought a plane ticket and appeared in front of the House of UnAmerican Activities Committee. Although Dirty Harry was not an American, by birth or any other form, he had suddenly become extremely anti-left wing. He appeared before the committee because, one day, while traveling to work, he came convinced of a way to tell commies apart from the rest of the world.
Not surprisingly, the answer to the House's problems, claimed Dirty Harry, was weeds.
"Take a look at the east," said Dirty Harry, as he stood in front of the committee. "And tell me what you see!"
The committee sat in silence, wondering how this man had passed security.
"I'll tell you what I see," said Dirty Harry. "I see weeds! I see weeds in front, behind and beside the Kremlin. I see weeds poking up through Red Square. I see weeds in their fields, on their lawns, in the factories and, damn it, in their Vodka!"
At this point, Dirty Harry was escorted out. He flew back home, convinced that he had saved the world from the commie threat.
The reason Dirty Harry went insane was due to his obsession with weeds. It wasn't the obsession itself, but that the came quite paranoid that weeds were secretly planning on taking over his body. Dirty Harry never had all of his screws tight, but had it not been for what followed, he might have led a semi-normal life, just like so many other millions of semi-insane people. It seemed logical to him that the weeds wished to infiltrate his being. He was their greatest enemy. If he remained alive, he thought, then surely the weeds' days were numbered.
It was just about then that he began drinking Weedicide 657. The Weedicide was driving him insane.
Unknown to Dirty Harry was that Weedicide 657 was declared an illegal substance by the government. "We would rather have jars of Anthrax distributed to all bowling alleys and used as pins then one person owning one litre of Weedicide 657," an environmental expert stated, son after the banning of the product. Unknown to the government was that Dirty Harry had tons and tons of it. Somehow, knowledge of his owning it had been buried very very deep in filing cabinets filled so full to the brim with red tape that merely mentioning them would scare the wits out of any civil servant.
Weedicide 657 originally came from a place that is now known as Liechtenstein. Some countries are large. Some countries are small. Then there is Liechtenstein.
Liechtenstein covers one hundred and fifty seven square kilometres of Europe. Its capital city, and for all I know, its only city, is Vaduz.
In 1939, Liechtenstein had been part of the Third Reich. It had produced a chemical it called Weedicide 657. Oddly as it may sound, it was never meant to be used as a weedicide at all. Its purpose was a lot more homicidal in nature. It was a chemical gas that was designed to kill people, or more specifically, enemy soldiers.
It was never used in the war that soon erupted in Europe. There was two reasons. The first was that chemical weapons were not used by either side and the second, in a way, more importantly, was that it simply didn't work.
After the war, the inventor, trying to avoid prosecution as a war criminal informed the allies that Weedicide 657 was exactly what it claimed to be, that is a chemical designed for Herbicidal purposes. Surprisingly, the Americans not only bought the story, they also bought the weedicide. Shipping tons and tons to America.
When Weedicide 657 was brought back to America, just after the end of the war, no one really had much use for it. It was stored away in a large warehouse, with piles and piles of other things that one had any use for.
At some point, someone working with the government found it and then sold it to a lawn care company in Canada.
Whoever it was that sold the Weedicide did not know that it was not really weedicide at all. They didn't know that is was an untested substance with a potential for great disaster. They merely read the label of the giant bins. "Weedicide," said the label. The seller therefore assumed that it was indeed what it said it was. He was obviously not a very bright person.
The Canadian Government did not investigate the weedicide, deciding that if the American government were going to sell it, they had obviously tested it, and made sure it was completely safe. Not very bright, are they?
Thus Weedicide 657 passed easily over the boarder and soon fell into the hands of a mna who would later come to be known as Dirty Harry.
As mentioned before, this transaction soon became lost in a filing cabinet. Thus, no one knew that Dirty Harry had it.
Dirty Harry did recover from his insanity. The more Weedicide 657 he drank the more he became paranoid about weeds.
One day he came to the conclusion that althought he was immune to the weed's invasion, other were not. Chances were, concluded Dirty Harry, they had indeed invaded others and were trying to use their new body to further their evil purposes.
Government agencies were most likely completely controlled by the weeds. Police and the Army.
Dirty Harry became depressed. How could he tell real people from weeds?
Had Dirty Harry been only slightly insane at this point, he might have decided to engulfeach and every person in Weedicide 657. That, to a semi-insane person, might sound like a good idea.
Dirty Harry was not semi-insane. Dirty Harry had completely lost all sense of reality. He decided to wipe everyone out, and then start all over. (He didn't even realize that he might need a woman to help him)
Dirty Harry set aside his Weedgenocider (c), and took up a shotgun as his weapon of choice.
There are at least twenty eight people in the world, thought Dirty Harry. He therefore concluded that if he killed two people a night, then everyone would be dead in two weeks.
Thus, Dirty Harry began killing two people each and every night. Somehow his paranoia helped him avoid the police. Three weeks went by and the police didn't even have any suspects.
Without the constant dose of Weedicide 657, Dirty Harry's insanity began to decline. Weedicide 657 did not permanent damage, but only created short term insanity.
Dirty Harry soon realized that he wasn't killing people to rid the world of weeds, he was doing it because he was having a great deal of fun.
Within six weeks Dirty Harry was completely cured. He forgot all about Weedicide 657, moved to New York, killed 146 people and finally was sentenced to 2300 years in prison.