"'I can't connect to the Internet,' says the guy. 'Have you configured your dial-up software?' I ask. 'No,' he replies. 'Is your modem connected?' I ask. 'No,' he replies. 'Do you have a modem or a computer, sir?' I ask. 'No,' he replies. 'Do you have a phone or a phone line?' I ask. 'No,' he replies. 'Do you even exist?' I ask. 'No,' he admits, after a moment. Then he hung up."
She Who Eats Large Tart

"'Alright, first, make sure the modem is securely connected to COM2,' I said. 'COM2?' inquired the caller. 'Yes,' I replied, and then waited patiently to the sound of clanking and thumping. After a little while I heard the thumping of a hammer, the sloshing of several gallons of yellow paint, and a little later the whir of a rusty chainsaw ripping through flesh. When I heard a welder's mask snap down, I decided to intervene. 'WAIT WAIT!!!' I yelled. The caller picked up the phone and asked what was wrong. 'Did you connect the modem to COM2?' I asked. There was a pause, and then in a barely audible voice, 'I think I did something dumb.'"
Sassy Sandy-E and DJ Thumpah

"I sighed and picked up the phone. 'Internet Canada, Carl speaking, can I have your account name please?' 'UNTURNET?' came the barely intelligible response. I heard rocks clacking together in the background. 'Yes Internet Canada, can-' 'UNTURNET!!! UNTURNET!!!' exclaimed the vaguely Cromagnon voice, jubilantly; it sounded to me like the caller was jumping up and down while other voices in the background hooped and shrieked in incoherent joy. This went on for several minutes. 'UNTURNET??' said the panting man, clearly speaking into the wrong end of the phone. I sighed. 'Yes?' 'GOT NE WAREZ?'"
Carl the Sturdy, Son of Yohan the Big

"'Buhh,' came the call. 'What is the problem, sir?' 'Buhh.' 'Windows 95?' 'Buhhhh.' It was a looong night!"
Sanchez