Introduction
The reason I'm writing this book is to make a quick buck off a bunch of pathetic fucks like yourself who would buy books with titles such as Windows for Dummies by the billions. How you people can delude yourself into thinking your single-digit IQs can handle anything more complicated than breathing is beyond me, but it's your $40. Suckers.

Getting Started
Your computer should already have power on and be at the DOS prompt. If your computer is not on and at the DOS prompt, shut this book and go watch Mr. Dressup. There is no possible way I or anyone else can help you.

Disk Drives
OK, this ought to be simple (though I doubt it). Put the little disk carefully in the drive. No! You have to turn it sideways first. Not that way, stupid! The little metal thing goes first. God, you're dumb. I can't believe you...

Directories
HEY! GET THAT MOUSE OFF THE SCREEN. Put it down. I'll tell you when to use the mouse. No. Put it away. BAD. The trick with the DIR command is to type DIR. This is done by hitting the D, I and R keys. NOT AT THE SAME TIME, IDIOT. Now, first (that means, you do it before everything else) look for the D key. It's the one with a line and a half a circle. NOT P. Come on, think. Now, press D. To press, put your finger (that thing on your hand (that thing on your arm (that thing on your shoulder))) on the key. Now, press.

Pressing I
To press I... oh fuck it, who am I kidding. Remember where you bought your computer? Call a technician. Tell him: "Hello, I am a complete and utter moron and fuckhead, and since my mom couldn't say no to her brother I am so unbelievably dense that I need you to tell me how to hit the I key" (remember, "I" is pronounced the same as "eye" (that thing on your face)). Listen to the tech support guy (that little voice that comes from inside the phone holes is a person!) while he explains how you type the letter I. Try to do what he says. When you screw that up have him explain it again. Then when you accidentally turn off your computer instead and forget how to "get the DOS back" have him explain that too. Then hire someone to come over to your house and hit the D and I keys for you. Meet you back here in a few hours.

Pressing R
To press R, repeat the process you went through in the Directories section, about pressing the D key. You remember D, don't you? NO, DON'T PRESS D AGAIN. You drooling moron. You pathetic waste. If I knew where you lived I'd come over there and kick your ass personally, you know that? I'd fucking pay money just to kick your ass.

Did You Know? Your wife is fucking a guy she met on the Internet. He gives her what you never could. She's pregnant with his baby.

 

Pressing Backspace
To fix your stupid mistake, hit the backspace key. It's there. The one with a little arrow pointing back. No, you cocksucker, right there!!! The one with the little triangle with the little line attached to it. See it? In the top right hand corner. Right there. No, over. To the right. Further. THERE! YES! THAT ONE! STAB THAT FUCKER! no. not that one.

Carriage Return
OK, after you have gotten off the phone with tech support, or perhaps had a three-year-old help you out, you should have the word "DIR" on your screen. You'll know it's the word "DIR" because it contains the letters D, I and R, in that order. Now it's time to press the carriage return. It's that button on your keyboard with the bendy arrow, or that says "Enter" or "Return". Press it. Don't panic! It's supposed to do that.

Interpreting the Output
Just kidding about the title of this section, you could never possibly hope to understand the output. You're probably squealing and blowing joyous spit bubbles because a lot of pretty letters appeared on your screen. You don't know what they mean. You never could. You have the brain power of a walnut - a stupid walnut.

General Abuse
Dummy.

Specific Abuse
Hey, you! Yeah, you. Moron.

Running Programs
Why bother trying? If you had the intelligence, you wouldn't have bought this book, would you? Fucking moron. There is no point in even pretending anymore: you are utterly, completely braindead. There is ABSOLUTELY no hope for you. Some people are so pathetic it's funny, but you... you're just... heartbreaking. I can't imagine a god cruel enough to fashion something like you. I mean, it aches, just knowing there are people as stupid as you.

Getting More DOS
For more DOS, just grab both sides of the monitor with your hands, and then pull your head into the monitor really hard, smashing your head into the glass. You'll need to hit your head really hard - hard enough to break the glass - 'cause that's where the extra DOS is kept. It may hurt the first few dozen times but just keep at it until all the glass is broken. Now you have more DOS!

Conclusion
Fuck off and die. Asshole.