Fun Depot





Friendly Bridges
by Milky

Through the course of history, hardly anyone has had a name that was an adjective, but Friendly Bridges was an exception. The funny thing about Friendly was that he wasn't Friendly at all. He was always gruntin', and cussin', and spittin', and fightin' with anything in his way. When Mr. and Mrs. Bridges realized this, shortly after the infant's departure from Mrs. Bridges' birth canal, they knew they had to do something or this son, too, would wind up in the electric chair. So they dubbed the newborn babe Friendly, hoping that this misleading moniker might help compensate for the cruel infant's repulsive personality.

Friendly didn't grow into his name, and sure enough by the age of eight he had wound up on trial in the southern United States for a string of notably brutal murders. The case title "The People vs. Friendly Bridges" could scarcely have been more appropriate; nearly the entire courtroom booed when Friendly was called to the stand. Even Mrs. Bridges hissed a little until nudged by her husband.

The trial didn't go well. When the bailiff came to swear Friendly in, Friendly stood, extinguished his cigarette in the bailiff's eyeball, and proceeded to urinate freely all over both the Bible and the bailiff. The bailiff was a trooper about it but it was clear that the incident upset him. The trial lasted less than six minutes. Friendly was found guilty of 670 counts of murder, including the four murders which he had committed in front of the judge and jury during the trial. Friendly's lawyer did not appeal the verdict as he was dead. Friendly was sentenced to death by electric chair, twice if possible. The judge also decreed that Friendly's name must be legally changed to "Scumbone" (a ruling which caused many boys and girls named Scumbone to be taunted by their peers).

Later that week, after listening to Friendly's electrocution on the shortwave radio, his parents turned down the volume and set about making another baby. This new one, they decided, would be called Niceness-Deluxe Please-Please-PLEASE-Don't-Kill-Me Bridges, and it would be a somebody.