C:\>GOLDKEY

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                            Fun In The Dungeon!         * *

You are in a stone walled room, barren and barely lit by a small torch on a plain table in the centre of the room. A large oaken door on the west wall is slightly ajar. The odour of rotting vegetation is overpowering, and reminds you of the urgency of your mission--To have a great time in a dungeon! You have a gold key.

>GO WEST

You enter a vast courtyard, with majestic moutains rising up over the well groomed trees in the background. You see a trail of blood, leading North.

>LOOK BLOOD

The Blood is in a vast courtyard, with majestic mountains rising up over the well groomed trees in the background. You see a gold key.

>GET BLOOD

You pick up the blood and put it into your pack. You notice a gold key under the blood. There are some mountains in the background.

>EAT BLOOD

The blood tastes strangely like a vast courtyard and a gold key.

>OPEN COURTYARD

Your gold key does not fit. Try another Y/N?

>Y

You open it, revealing a vast courtyard with majestic mountains and well groomed trees. YOU FIND A GOLD KEY!!!!!!!!!!!

>TAKE GOLD KEY

Are you sure Y/N?

>Y

Okay... You have a GOLD KEY(!)

>LOOK TREES

They look mighty well groomed. But look at those mountains in the background! You earn 5 experience points and a few gold keys.

>GO NORTH

Okay, as soon as you look at those mountains.

>LOOK MOUNTAINS

Conformist. You lose a gold key.

>INVENTORY

Gold Key. What else do you need?

>SOME FOOD, PERHAPS?

I don't understand "SOME FOOD, PERHAPS?" Maybe you mean "GOLD KEY."

>OH YEAH, THANKS. ANYHOW, I GUESS I'LL BE HEADIN' NORTH NOW.

Hey, no problem. You are in a gold key, and to the north is a vast courtyard with majestic mountains in the background and well-groomed trees. You notice an orc.

>TALK ORC

The orc doesn't understand you. He gives you a gold key, and runs off.

>FOLLOW ORC

But he doesn't want you to.

>WHY NOT

A phobia from his childhood, he's kind of afraid of strangers. Leave him alone, he's a good fellow, I'll vouch for him anyday. Anyhow, a gold key comes up to you and offers to join your party.

>TELL GOLD KEY TO FUCK OFF

"FUCK OFF," you tell the Gold Key, and he joins your party.

>KILL GOLD KEY

With what weapon?

>MY BARE FISTS

The Gold Key laughs at your pitiful effort and dodges the blow easily. The Gold Key heads North and you are forced to follow along behind, like some pathetic pack animal.

>GO SOUTH

The Gold Key gives you a stern look. You head North.

>LOOK NORTH

You have to ask the Gold Key what he sees.

>ASK GOLD KEY WHAT IS NORTH

The Gold Key beats you about the head and tells you not to ask foolish questions. He then proceeds North, at a pace you find hard to keep up.

>PLEASE SLOW DOWN

The Gold key laughs cruelly, and goes faster! Your legs are bloody stumps! 5 Hit points damage.

>BEG GOLD KEY TO STOP

The Gold Key smiles at your pathetic display of emotion, and slows long enough to allow to you catch up, then zooms ahead cackling madly. The Gold Key allows you to know that you are in a vast courtyard, with majestic mountains in the background and well-groomed trees.

>HELP ME

The Gold Key ignores you. Your party is under attack by several fierce Orcs! You sit idly by on a nearby rock as the Gold Key bravely slays them all, gaining 98 experience levels and a plethera of magical artifacts - all of which are absolutely vital to the successful completion of your quest. He then burns these and starts kicking you.

>PLEASE GOLD KEY HAVE MERCY, I AM BUT A POOR MAN, NOT SHINY AND
>KEY-LIKE LIKE YOU, PLEASE PLEASE

The Gold Key grins evilly and tells you to bend over.

>NO PLEASE ANYTHING BUT THAT

It is too late. You have been brutally raped by the Gold Key. He licks his lips in satisfaction. He does 2 Hit Points damage.

>RUN SOUTH MADLY WHILE FLAILING ARMS

You manage to break away from the Gold Key's grasp, only to fall into the arms of a wandering orc. You tell the Orc your troubles and he says, "I know." He then rips off his Orc costume and reveals himself to be a Gold Key!

>CRY

You cry. It does 4 Hit Points of damage.

>GO EAST

I don't understand "GO EAST." Perhaps you mean "GO BACK TO THE GOLD KEY AND DO WHATEVER HE WANTS."

>NO I CAN'T GO BACK THERE EVER IT'S TOO CRUEL I WANT TO BE FREE I WANT
>TO KNOW LOVE, TRUE LOVE, NOT WHAT THAT GOLD KEY HAS IN MIND. DON'T
>YOU UNDERSTAND? DON'T YOU CARE?

You wisely decide to do whatever the Gold Key wants. He leads you North and tells you to eat some bugs.

>I DON'T LIKE BUGS

The Gold Key says you love bugs, especially the nice crunchy ones. In fact, the Gold Key gives you seconds.

>CALL POLICE

Grabbing the handy Emergency Phone right beside the gold key on the ground, you hear ringing, and an answer: "THIS LINE FOR GOLD KEY USE ONLY."

>GIVE UP

The Gold Key calls over some other Gold Keys and they start to prod you with sharp sticks and laugh. He tells you to enjoy it.

>QUIT

The Gold Key doesn't think you should quit. The Gold Key says you are having a good time. He starts to grab you by th^C

C:\>DEL GOLDKEY.EXE

The Gold Key doesn't want you to delete his game. He deletes all your other files. Your hard drive takes 4 hit points damage.

C:\>FORMAT C:

You are in a vast courtyard...