by Plastic Brain Carrier
I am a tuna, oh yes, a tuna am I. I float all day in a sea of salty water. "Blub blub," I say. Then I swim away. I swim to a land where all is blue, and even the rocks, they're blue too. I see a bug. A big fucking bug. I shoot out my long, hairy tongue and suck it up in one slurp! "Crunch crunch," is the sound which emanates from my mouth. I swallow the bug and begin to hum a traditional tuna tune.
All of a sudden I decide that I don't like being a tuna, so I transform into a helium filled cow and float to the surface. Out I splash from the sea, and within seconds I am soaring high above the clouds. I open my cow mouth up very wide so that I may gulp the various birds fluttering my way. Tasty, tasty. I feel my legs falling away from me. I watch as all four of them drop like missiles towards the ground. When they are about a mile away, a parachute opens up for each one and they finish their descent in safety and quietly. Until they hit the ground, that is, whereupon they all explode, killing thousands and injuring two. The realization of this makes me smile so hard that all my fur turns to needles and falls off killing thousands more.
As I drift nearer to the sun I begin to bloat. Eventually, of course, I explode, well, I kind of pop and all my insides turn into itty bitty flying penguins and fly away. I am left formless and drifting into space. On the way I see Abraham Lincoln drifting along beside me. "Hey Abe!" I say. "Got a light?" And I hold my already lit cigarette out towards him. Abe whips out his blowtorch and lights it. With an evil grin he relights my cigarette and then lights up a doob of his own.
So there we were, me and Abe, drifting around in space.I am still without form and Abe seems to notice this for the first time. He turns his head towards me and says this with his mouth: "So I notice you've got not a form. For how come this?" I take a toke on my smoke and casually reply "Fuck you, Abe. Just fuck you." Abe chuckles a few times and turns the blowtorch on himself and proceeds to melt his face. I too begin to chuckle, but having no face of my own to melt, I am left feeling helpless and distraught. I think Abe sensed this because out of his back pocket he pulls out a spare face and hands it to me. I accept the face with a smile and happily put it on. It fits, it feels good. Time to burn it, I decide. I swipe the blowtorch away from Abe. Melt, Melt, Melt. Away drips my face and I smell that "New Melting Face" smell we all know and love. Carelessly I heave Abe's blowtorch into the stratosphere.
"WHAT THE FUCK!!" Abe screams.
"Oh my God. Sorry, Abe. I didn't realize you still needed that," I explain.
"STILL NEEDED THAT? I spent over a hundred bucks on that thing at Home Hardware! Now its fuckin' gone and you owe me a new one!"
I spit out my cigarette and reply, "Try to find me... asshole." Being formless and cigaretteless I say this with confidence. Abe just screws up his face and explodes.
The force of this explosion sends me hurtling towards the surface of a barren, desolate yet overpopulated planet. The planet is gray, but that holds no significance. I land with a thud, which is a strange way for a being with no form to land, but it happens nevertheless. Almost immediately no-one runs up to me and grabs me by the arm. No-one then shoves me roughly into an invisible police car and drives me to an alien police station where the coffee is blue and the doughnuts are orange. They taste like shit and I try to spit them out, but they're already halfway down my non-existant throat so I have no choice but to swallow them. They then try to wash the doughnuts down with scalding hot, blue coffee. The coffee tasted like Karen, which I don't mind because I love Karen; my poodle.
When they're done feeding me, they handcuff me and tie me up in rope and have sex with me. Normally I'd enjoy this, but this time it wasn't the same as the last time, with all those sheep. So I screamed. They didn't stop. It was horrible. Here I was being gang raped by dozens of invisible alien cops, and not a condom in sight. After a while, of course, I began to enjoy it, but really it was time to stop all this nonsense and get back to my mission.
I totally whip out a sponge and sop up all the invisible cops until they're all gone. Then I swallow the sponge to make damn good and sure they never reappear.
Exiting the police station, I decide to take the form of a winged snake, so that I may fly through the atmosphere unobstructed. A beep emanates from under my left wing. I discover that secret agent Lincoln wants me to call him back on his pager. "What would I do without my BC TEL pager?" I say to myself.
Fluttering down to the surface, I find and use a payphone. Conversation is as follows:
"Abe, what's up, I thought you exploded. Why are you bugging me?"
"I found my torch and I just wanted to apologize for blowing up at you."
"Okay, sure, Abe. But does this have anything to do with our holy mission?"
"Well, yeah it does actually. Do you know where I might find a circular saw and a cordless drill?"
"I suggest that you look in the same hardware store that you bought the torch from. Duh!"
"No, I did. They're all out."
"Okay, well try another one, man. Anything else?"
"Yeah, how do I get rid of all this hair growing under my chin?"
"Shave, Abe. Just shave, OK? Is that all now? Can we get on with The Mission?"
"Ja mon. Sorry to bug ya. See you on the other side!"
With that I hung up the phone and sachayed down to the casino.
That is where I mey Harley. Harley showed me the ropes.
"These are the ropes," said Harley.
Shortly after that I killed Harley. With my teeth. I bit him to death. Lots of blood, very sad. But its true. He got in my way, I bit him once and just couldn't stop. This little escapade got me kicked out of the casino but that didn't set me back. I managed to grab a handful of cash before getting kicked out. Thus I was able to pay someone else to finish my mission for me.