Fun Depot





by Albino Finch

Anton didn't think he was exaggerating when he thought that the woman standing at the front of the room was made of plaster of Paris. Nor did he blame it on his mood, which was pretty awful. He didn't enjoy getting up at 6:30pm on a Saturday, then having to run half a mile to catch a GO Train downtown so he could come to a 10-hour orientation for a job he knew he was going to loathe.

"Hello. Today we are going to learn what every employee of the WonderCat grocery store franchise needs to know," she said. As it turns out, Anton was not in the least bit inaccurate with the analysis of the Orienteerer. She looked like she was molded, rather than pulled from someone's womb, and had been through the whole Orienteering routine so many times that she didn't have to think about what she was saying. She just let the words tumble out like toy blocks from a child's arms.

"First we are going to watch a video called 'Stealing our Future', about internal theft." She fiddled with the video machine, dimmed the lights, and passed out in a corner.

The movie was about a man named Raskolnikov who stole a can of beets from his place of work, a WonderCat Grocer. He spoke with a thick Russian accent and sweated a lot as he told his tale. He didn't know why he stole the can of beets. It weighed heavily on his conscience, and he had recurring dreams of horses being beaten to death and an old woman who laughed at him, until, finally, in the nightmarish conclusion to his tale, he confessed his crime in the City Square, kissed the Earth, and was sent to a Siberian prison for an indefinite amount of time.

The Orienteering woman didn't move from her spot in the corner, nor did she open her eyes, as she spoke:

"Now I want you to turn to the person next to you and look into their eyes for 10 seconds."

Anton followed the instructions, and didn't so much mind doing so, as the girl sitting next to him was very pretty.

"Okay, now rip off their clothes."

Anton did so, noticing a few unfortunate guys who sat across from other guys. He laughed at them.

"Now fuck them."

Thirty seconds later, everyone had their clothes back on and died.