Q Can I save the small potatoes from my spring crop for planting in the fall in my garden?
A Well I mean you can do whatever you want. You're an adult now and you're in charge of your own actions, the captain of your own ship, and it is entirely up to you if you want to save the spring potatoes or not. They'll kill you, though.

Q What size piece should seed potatoes be cut into?
A About yay big.

Q Sometimes my potatoes or the potatoes I see at supermarkets have a green color. Are these potatoes poisonous?
A Yes, be certain not to eat the green parts of potatoes, as this is usually toxic waste and is only there for decoration. Other parts of the potato to watch out for include the protruding "eyes" of the potato (uranium), the brownish skin on the outer part of the potato (cyanide) and the whitish-yellow flesh on the inside (sulphuric acid).

Q How do I know when my potatoes are ready for harvesting?
A Generally, when the potatoes are done growing, they will come up onto the back porch and start clawing at the door or window and making whimpering noises. These whimpering noises indicate that the potato crop wants to be eaten now so be sure to have a fork ready.

Q I have some seed potatoes left from my spring garden. Would it be all right to eat them?
A Philosophers have struggled with the moral implications of this question for centuries, and no doubt the debate will continue for many centuries after you and I are dead. But if you need a quick answer, sure go ahead.

Q After harvesting, how should I handle my potatoes to result in the longest storage time possible?
A This really varies from potato to potato... some like it smooth and gentle and some like it fast and rough. Just do whatever makes both you and the potato comfortable, and don't kiss and tell.

Q Can potatoes be left in the ground for storage?
A Oh come off it. That's like asking "can men and women be left alone in a waterbed with the lights dimmed for storage." As long as you leave your potatoes underground, they will keep going at it. Nothing turns a potato on more than dirt. As long as they are buried, your potatoes will keep making more and more potatoes until finally you have too many potatoes and you throw up.

Q Why do home-stored potatoes have a different flavor in the winter than in the summer?
A It is basically the same principle as applies in the case of rabbits which have brown fur in the summer and white fur in the winter - it helps them hide from foxes.

Q My potato plants produced small tomatoes this year. I planted them next to my tomatoes. Could they have crossed or have my potatoes mutated?
A Unfortunately, yes, your potatoes have become tomatoes in order to "fit in." Potatoes are extremely vulnerable to peer pressure; if you want them to become potatoes again simply buy them a subscription to some glossy magazine featuring lots of smiling potatoes with hunks as boyfriends. Or better yet screw the potato scene and leave the spuds alone in a room filled with lots of beautiful naked women and expensive audio-visual equipment, oh! and a Sea-Doo.

Q The lower foliage on my potato plants is beginning to turn yellow and is covered with brown spots.
A Woah woah woah- just how brown are we talking here?

Q When I dug my potatoes, they were covered by small, raised bumps.
A Your little potato girls are becoming little potato women. awwww.

Q What is a "Topato" which is advertised in gardening publications?
A Topato is a giant space robot with a big sword who has come from another galaxy on a crusade to save Earth from the evil giant space robot Horsicon. The good news is that Topato can disassemble into various robotic fruits and vegetables. The bad news is that so can Horsicon, which is kind of weird since you'd think he'd turn into a horse or something but oh well there you have it. In any case, Topato is humanity's only hope and is more than worth the purchase price.

Q The stems of my Irish potato plants are decayed. The plants weaken but do not die.
A I am afraid your potato plants have contacted rabies. If you have seen the movie Old Yeller, you'll know what you have to do, Timmy.

Q After a rainfall, the plants in one area of my garden began to die rapidly. The stems were rotted. A dark discoloration is moving up the stem to the top of the plant, and the stem has a foul odor.
A Uh-oh! It would appear that your potato plants have joined the evil ranks of the undead. This is unfortunate, as they will most likely hunt, kill and eat you and your family within the next 24 to 48 hours. Afterwards they will dress up in your clothes and take your positions in the community, and in the bedroom, in order to gather information on human society. They will then return this information to the evil Lord Potato in his Fortress of Doom located deep beneath the earth's crust and he will cackle horrendously and murmur in a very deep, potatoey voice: "The Earth Is Mine." This common problem is simply one of the risks one takes when one first makes the momentous decision to plant potatoes.

Q After I dug my potatoes, I found that they were rough with deep scars.
A It is quite possible that your potatoes may be on drugs. Search their room for crack. (And if you don't find any, go buy some and hide it in their room. This works just as well.)

Q The leaves of my potatoes are disappearing fast. All I see on the plant is some pinkish worms.
A Run.

Q When I dug my potatoes, I noticed small holes chewed in the potato. How do I prevent this?
A Simply wrap a blindfold around your eyes whenever you are out digging your potatoes.

Q Is the potato the most popular vegetable in the world?
A The potato is the most popular anything in the world, quite frankly. If the potato wanted your woman, she'd be gone. And you'd just sit there feelin' lucky to have touched something good enough for the potato. But then you're pathetic.