by Corn Syrup and Milky Puppy
When dialing a number, only hit every second number.
Call anyone late at night when you don't have a watch. When they tell you the time, yell "Sucker" and run.
Phone your next door neighbour, start complaining about how they never cut the grass. When they go out to cut the grass, watch some T.V.
When you want a big long distance bill, phone someone in England. Ask if they want to hear their granddaughter speak, then put the phone down. You will only need to pick up the phone and say, "Can you hear her yet?" every few hours.
Phone someone who you know has rotary dialing and push your touch tone buttons until they start to cry.
Phone the fire department, and try and carry out a whole conversation without either party using the word "fire" once.
When someone asks for your phone number, just tell them their own phone number. They will always get a busy signal when they call you.
Sit and watch your telephone for a few hours. It will start to think it is a television.
Call someone who you know isn't going to be home, when no one answers, hang up.
In the mid-afternoon, start phoning people in India and China. When they answer, tell them to fuck off.
Lip sync for a while.
Pick up your phone and dial any old number. Ha get it. ANY OLD NUMBER!
Answer your phone, if it turns out to be your teacher from grade school, ask her how she's been and stuff, invite her over for dinner, she will like you.
Call every name in the phone book and ask if they were the one who phoned you earlier. If they say no, act offended.
Call anyone. Ask "Do you know who this is?" When they say no, say "oh well" and leave.
Wear an "I Hate Telephones" t-shirt, and use the phone all day long. It will be so confused.
Go out to dinner at this fancy resturant. When the waiter approaches you with one of those black phones and says "Phone call for you, Mr. James", tell him you're not Mr. James.
Install dynamite in your cat's brain, and hook it up to a small device you carry with you. When the phone rings, hit the button, and as your cat's head explodes, say loudly, "Gee, I wonder who that is!"
Phone up someone and tell them you are a fax machine, then fax them some old World War II documents. When someone calls and asks for someone, ask them what it's in regards to. Then continue to ask them to be more specific until they finally can't be any more specific, then hang up.
Call the operator and ask to speak to someone who has been dead for a while. When she informs you that the person is dead, offer her $50 and ask again.
Phone up someone and tell them you're some guy, when they ask you why, kill them.
Call someone from your car phone and then drive off a cliff.
Phone someone up who has never used a phone before, ask them if they like phones, when they say "This is my first time", say to them "WELL, IT WON'T BE YOUR LAST". Cackle and then hang up.
Call someone. When they pick up, give them a mean look until they give in, then take the baked goods to the cellar.
When your phone rings, lift a bunch of weights (about 20), answer it, sound exhausted, when they ask you why you're so exhausted, tell them you were just at McDonalds.